White Coat Knitter

Part of that world

2010-08-21T20:00:00.002-04:00

Yesterday I learned that the labor nurses have a nickname for me.

When I first heard this, I thought, "Yikes. Nothing good comes from this." What was it? I thought I had really good rapport with them, at least with the day team whom I've really enjoyed working with this year. Was it something mean? Patronizing? Something to put me in my place, take the resident down? I had not seen this coming.

Turns out, it was none of the above.

You see, they have started referring to me as "Ariel." A few months ago I died my hair red (the goal was Addison Shepherd red...this also works as Ariel red). And on the labor floor I wear green snakeskin (?fishscale) Dansko clogs. Thus...Ariel. And, to quote Donna, the labor nurse who told me about my new name, "because I'm so sweet." Awwwwww!

I'll definitely take that. And I don't think the seashell bra would really be appropriate on the labor floor.

Gratifying

2010-08-04T20:32:00.001-04:00

Can I just say, it's really, really awesome when a patient wants to take a picture of you holding her newborn before she goes home from the hospital? I delivered her baby and tied her tubes, and she couldn't be happier. This is a truly amazing job.

Glycemic control

2010-08-01T15:52:00.002-04:00

Sometimes I feel like a small child on call. For example, when I look back on the night and realize my PO intake consisted primarily of:

-apple juice (from the labor floor juice machine "for patients only")
-graham crackers (from the ER cracker box - saltines or graham, take your pick)
-peanut butter M&Ms (from the triage nurse who said I "look like I need some food")

Good thing I'm not diabetic. Oh, yeah, I also had french fries for lunch. Because I got down to the cafeteria after the "real food" was finished, and I had the forethought to realize that a salad just was not going to cut it. One of the silver linings of calls like last night is you feel totally justified in the amount of junk you eat. M&Ms and all, I still didn't get enough calories to make up for a) my basal requirements or b) my running around like a crazy woman. I need to hire someone to spoon feed me mac and cheese while I write notes or I'm going to whither away.

In other career news, I start my first day of my first Maternal-Fetal Medicine rotation tomorrow. I'm so nervous. More nervous than I've been for a long time. It's like a first date with someone I really, really like. Is this going to work? Is this for me? Could we make a go of it for the long haul? What should I wear? (Cough...I may have ordered fancy new scrub caps in hopes of wearing them on this rotation...oh, yeah...) The more I learn about MFM, the more I think it might be what I want to do with my life. It's complex and dramatic and emotional...you can see why I might like it. It's about thinking like a medicine doc and cutting like a trauma surgeon. It's about saving lives - two at a time (sometimes three or four at a time). It's about being the resource for patients whose babies you cannot save. And, unlike what my med school MFM department led me to believe, it is NOT just about diabetes.

Local cuisine

2010-07-11T21:27:00.002-04:00

I don't think I've stated it on this blog before, but I have a complicated relationship with food. Namely, I think about where it comes from and how it was grown/raised. I also love it and am a total food snob in a lot of annoying ways. Lots of reading and discussing has led me to a place where my "food rules" are as follows:

-I only eat meat (includes poultry and four legged creatures) if I can confirm it was raised in a humane way, i.e. running around in the grass and killed in a so-called humane slaughterhouse. (I've done a significant amount of time as a vegetarian and 1 year as a vegan, so I've played the spectrum.)
-I eat fish. I don't eat the "bad" fish if I can help it. I consult these people to get an idea of what is okay and what is not. However: if I'm on call and starving for a protein source, I'm flexible.
-I buy free range/no antibiotics eggs, preferably from the farmer's market looking the farmer in the eye. At work, I eat any egg. I believe that this compromise makes me a happier resident (see also: well fed).
-I'm doing my best to decrease high fructose corn syrup. I don't think it's evil, per se, but the more I read, the more I'm convinced that it isn't doing anyone any favors.

Tonight for dinner, I made rice, Rancho Gordo heirloom beans, Ledge Ends CSA swiss chard with tomatoes, topped with farmer's market eggs. I'm pleased. And well fed. And also becoming more and more like my mother everyday (I'm pleased with that too).

Like a Prayer

2010-07-06T21:55:00.003-04:00

Me: I have Madonna in my head right now.

B:...Yeah, I tend to assume that's the case. You know...at baseline.

Later, Brandon presents his dinner, complete with cooking show style commentary. Imagine Top Chef/Iron Chef voices. Imagine Brandon performing all of the roles.

B: Tonight we have a trio of frozen veggie burgers, reheated and served with a trio of red sauces. I call this one "American ketchup." This, to add some flare, is sriracha chili sauce. And lastly, Johnny's hot sauce, made popular by the "barbecue chicken wing."
I appreciate the way his sauces bring out the different flavors of the veggie patties. Still, I would have liked to see a different shade of red. These reds are just so....red. And isn't the patty a little overdone? This beef is too...beefy. But it isn't beef!

Yup. It's possible the heat has gone to our heads.

Snapshot

2010-06-29T21:02:00.005-04:00

Note: I am not pregnant. Here I sit with my glass of wine - soooo not pregnant. Just thought I'd get that out of the way before sharing the conversation B and I just had.

B: I'm going to get a burrito, and then stop at Juniper on the way home. (Juniper is the name of the frozen yogurt pinkberry style place near us.)

Me: Juniper! That's the baby name I was thinking about today! You know, for a girl. We could call her Juni.

B: ... Yeah. I like it. If we were movie stars.

Me: Hey!

B: Or we could call her Apple.

Me: ...

B: Caperberry?

Scene

Now, real snapshots:

I take pictures of my husband in profile: in Maine and in Chicago.

We see old friends: in New York, Providence, and Chicago.

I pretend to be a New Englander and pose in front of the boats. Also, my intern class - no longer interns.

But mostly I take pictures of food. And booze.

*Events celebrated include: trip to NYC, trip to Maine, trip to Chicago, Amy visits Providence, wedding anniversary, residency graduation*

Did you know...?

2010-06-04T23:26:00.002-04:00

I am done being an intern. Done, I tells ya. This morning at 6am was my last non-crash primary Cesearan section for a very long time. (Second year residents do repeat sections and crashes; interns do primary sections). As I left the OR, the circulating nurse said, "See ya next time...second year."

Apparently, I am still alive. I made it through. Not sure when I'm going to catch up on my sleep debt (retirement potentially), but I'm breathing.

I've done some really amazing things this year. It's been a privilege. There have been deliveries and urgent cesareans and end-of-life conversations and heroic measures and prevention of unwanted pregnancies and counseling about pregnancies that were desperately wanted but are now over too soon. The learning curve is vertical.

I'm starting to feel a real home in obstetrics, particularly dramatic, high risk obstetrics. Still not sure how that will play out with regards to my career, but it's a thrill to experience.

My marriage is strong. When I woke up at 9pm (got home at 3pm from being awake 23hrs), Brandon was there. "I brought home leftovers from dinner. Salmon and potato latkes. And I bought beer. Oh, and this week's Glee is on the DVR." This is a good man.

I have new friends. It's the whole boot camp mentality: we've been beaten down together, and that makes us inseparable. Who else can truly understand the glory and the shame of being an intern?

And I'm alive. The new interns don't start until 6/24, but for the next 2.5 weeks we're in flux mode: some of us "advance" and some of us stay the same year. Sunday night I go back to work as the second year night float resident.

Trust Women

2010-01-21T18:21:00.003-05:00

Yesterday was Blog for Choice day. Thanks to MICU call, I'm a day late. I know that some of the things I'll say will disturb some people who read; some of you are friends and family who I love. If you don't want to know some of my rawer thoughts on the topic, don't read (when has that warning ever stopped anyone?).

This year, the theme is "Trust Women," the George Tiller slogan. Remember when George Tiller was murdered in his church? I sure do. I was a wreck . I was a new doctor, a few weeks away from starting ob/gyn residency, a training program where I planned on performing abortions. This was after doing a Family Planning elective in Pittsburgh with some of the people who get called upon to testify in supreme court cases. Mitch Creinin, Matt Reeves, some of my early mentors in this field.

At Pitt, I saw women come from Baltimore, Philadelphia, Cleveland to get care, and we weren't considered a late term center. We were just a place that the woman with the anencephalic fetus (no brain = 100% mortality) could get a 20 week termination, or the woman with heart failure who was slowly dying from her pregnancy could get a 22 week abortion. We went to the state limit of 23 weeks and 6 days. Was the 23 and 6 week abortion I saw disturbing as hell? Absolutely. But was it necessary? I have to believe so. Because that woman wouldn't have chosen it if it was not necessary. She chose to value her life. I have to trust that. I never actually performed the procedures as I was still a medical student, but I would do the prep on some: speculum, lidocaine injection, dilator placement. I was involved, an active participant in this emotionally and politically wrought procedure.

So when George Tiller was shot, it was personal. I immediately thought of the next George Tiller. The next murder in the name of a false justice. There are the obvious names that were immediately introduced in the media: Carhart and Hern immediately came to mind. But I thought of other people, people I knew: Mitch, Matt, Bea, Lisa. And then, Karen. Because now, as a resident, I too have become an abortion provider. And so I have the fear, the fear of being gunned down or watching my professional colleagues be gunned down for providing reproductive rights.

Recently, a new George Tiller quote was discovered:

"It is not for you, if it is not an inner calling, it just isn't. It doesn't work that way. It's not the technical component, it's not the intellectual stimulation, abortion services are a heart issue. It's a heart issue, and if you have a willing heart to help women in catastrophic situations, you can be an abortion provider. You can qualify and have a satisfactory life. There are probably more physicians who get shot working in an emergency room than are abortion clinics. There are all sorts of dangers - postal workers, firemen, police officers. Everything has a risk to it."

I try to remember that. I try to remember that this is important. I trust my patients, and I trust myself. If I'm going to be brave enough to do this, I have to trust in my passion, my heart, for this field. There are 1787 abortion providers in this country, according to Guttmacher data. If not me, who? Trust women.

Knitterly husband

2010-01-17T20:18:00.002-05:00

The following conversation just happened:

Background: a pregnant friend sent me a pattern for a "baby cocoon" that she would like for her fetus, you know, in two months when it is external. It is knit with chunky yarn on size 15 needles, so I was all, yeah, no problem.

Me: Arrrrgh! I can't believe T paid money for this pattern! It's a tube! It's essentially a long hat! If she wanted a tube for her baby, she could have just asked me. I can make up that pattern as I knit! I mean, I guess a totally new knitter might want a pattern, but I don't need one. Grrrr...

B: ....?

Me: See, here's the picture. It doesn't even make room for the head. I'm gonna change it. I'm gonna add short-rows and make head space. It will be better. Everything is better with short-rows. I can't believe how stupid this pattern is.

Note: B gets subjected to these knitting rants a lot. I'm never sure how much attention he's paying. Until now.

B: (as he looks at the pattern notes) Well, it does call for Lion Homespun acrylic, so what do you expect?

Yup. My husband is a yarn snob.

Win.

2009

2009-12-31T19:40:00.002-05:00

As is the way of things, time for a summary statement:

2009 was apparently a big year of change, if the internets tell the truth. It certainly was for me. It was the year I became a wife, a doctor, and a (cough) New Englander, in chronological order. In 2 months we had the most amazing wedding with so much love from friends and family, quickly drove back to Cleveland for graduation, flew to Milan, honeymooned in Tuscany where we practically drank the olive oil straight (and maybe some wine too), flew back to a Cleveland now empty of our med school compatriots, finished packing, and drove the Penske truck to Rhode Island with the help of my father-in-law. 2 weeks later, I was introducing myself as Dr. G, checking cervixes, cutting into abdomens, and trying to project confidence.

While here in Providence, I have changed. I'm learning to act fast and trust that I actually do know how to manage sick people. I've learned what it's like to bond with oncology patients over time, only to hear that she died over the weekend or two days after you discharged her to home hospice or on Christmas morning. I'm learning about marriage. About relying on your partner enough but not too much. About trying to feel like a human partner after working and worrying about your patients all day. And I've developed my relationship with my sister. We're both on the east coast now, within a short driving distance. More things are possible. Work has provided new friends, including Cat, my "Work Wife," my partner in foodie crime. We go to Boston for Ethiopian food, New Haven for restaurant week, and La Laiterie all too often for cheese. We discuss the changes that our jobs demand of us.

Transition: it's the part of labor where things truly get going, where the pain becomes truly intense. It looks awful, overwhelming, impossible. But it is necessary for birth.

Love my job

2009-12-02T20:45:00.002-05:00

Monday, as I performed my first perineoplasty, I had this conversation with my attending:

Attending (A): I would go here...then here...Make it work!

Me (K): Um...The Tim Gunn method of surgery?

A: Hahaha! Yes! It's Project Runway: Vulva Edition! Less is more!

We both were quite amused with ourselves. (Also, I made it work and improved this patient's quality of life, which is the important - but less amusing - part.)

We're currently in the process of interviewing next year's group of interns. This is amazing. It is amazing because it means that I will not be an intern forever! Yay! Also, it is amazing because I get to talk about this program to people who really, really want to hear about it (or at least have to pretend as much). In the process of talking, I realize over and over again how great this place really is. Obviously, it's a great hospital with Ivy League affiliations and wonderful volume, but it's really so much more than that. It's a chosen community of people dedicated to providing top notch, comprehensive health care for women. It's people who are self-driven to great heights and who will support everyone else in reaching their own goals, in good times and bad.

At every applicant lunch we play a slideshow of us working and playing together. I get a little teary every time.

Today

2009-11-28T12:41:00.003-05:00

I scraped real vanilla bean into warm cream and grated fresh nutmeg into pumpkin. In a few minutes I will have pumpkin creme brulee. I think this is a pretty good summary of how I feel about the holiday season.

Mu receptors

2009-11-15T00:09:00.002-05:00

This weekend, both B and I have BOTH days off. As my mother said, it is time to remember who we are married to.

Tonight involved orecchiette with butternut squash and zucchini, roasted brussel sprouts, and prosecco. And thank you notes. It is embarrassing how delinquent we are on these.

Also, Stanford beat USC. Our household rejoices (I don't really care)!

B said, "If religion is the opiate of the masses, yarn is the opiate of the Karen...says Stalin and I." He's not wrong. Me and my ArtYarns Silk Rhapsody Glitter are getting along just fine.

1 more day

2009-10-24T09:07:00.002-04:00

I am home. Home from the 27 hr call shift that ended a string of 13 days straight in the hospital. In that call, I learned:

That if you thought yesterday was bad, today will amaze you with just how much worse it can get.

That if you succumb to your onc intern breakdown (it's a rite of passage; I almost got through the rotation without it) and bawl like a hiccuping baby in the PACU office, the nurses will hug you and send you chocolate later.

That OB/GYN residents can actually run and facilitate a code...and get the patient back.

And now it is time for bed.

Tonight: pumpkin carving with my co-interns.

Tomorrow: mini-med school reunion in Boston.

It's all about looking forward..

Curse my pale allergic self

2009-10-20T19:12:00.002-04:00

At the hospital, we deal with smells. In OB/GYN, we deal with smells. It may reassure you to learn that most OB/GYNs truly do not mind most OB/GYN smells: amniotic fluid, placenta, an open abdomen, various vaginal misfortunes, bodily fluids of many identities, it's all good (although we do enjoy teaching hapless med students about the "whiff test"). In fact, when it comes to medical specialties, we OB/GYNs are pretty resistant to smells that other people gag at.

However, every once in a while, we can't handle it either. I won't go into the details, but there is one smell in particular (or rather a combination of smells) that is very present in one room on our service. In the hospital, when smells are bad, there is this peppermint air freshener that gets used to try to cover them up. It doesn't really work. It just adds peppermint to the combination of smells.

My chapstick is peppermint. I realized this a few days ago when I put it on and had a strongly visceral response to the smell. It was time to get new chapstick.

My new chapstick is cherry. I wore it yesterday. It's tinted, and it made my lips a lovely shade of ping, and it did not make me want to vomit. Win! Today I put it on, and after an hour my lips started to tingle. Then they started to itch. Yup. Looks like I'm allergic to cherry chapstick. But I'm sure not going back to peppermint.

Two more days

2009-09-30T18:45:00.002-04:00

One of the best things about this program is that you can take vacation on one of your intern oncology blocks (we do two blocks). Intern onc is one of the least forgiving blocks. The hours are not actually as bad as on a couple of other rotations (OB days come to mind), but the work is painful. It's floor work: coming in an hour before the rest of the team to write the day's labs next to the patients' names on The List, writing for daily labs, repleting electrolytes, answering pages on all of the patients on the service, writing the daily progress notes even though someone else got to do the surgery, and being the brunt of everyone else's frustration whenever something is not perfect.

Luckily, the first time we do onc, we get a co-intern as a partner. The second time we're alone, but the first time we are not. My co-oncie is Cat, my Women and Infants BFF. It makes the day better. Less lonely. We can complain to each other when we feel put upon. We help each other out with the work load. And we talk about the patients.

The patients are the worst part. This is not post-partum floor work, where everyone is healthy and relatively young and really quite annoying at times because you get pages about the mundane ("I feel a little sore, you know, down there." Um, yes, you just pushed 8lbs of human out of you. What did you expect to feel?). On onc, the complaints are tragic, heartbreaking. On onc, half of your patients will be dead before you finish residency. This is where we learn about managing pain in the terminally ill, as the tumor presses on their spine or erodes the bone in their hip or compresses their bowel.

One of my patients is one of these patients. She has cancer, doesn't matter what kind, and she is not doing well. She knows it. Her husband knows it, and he is lost. And yet, she always wants to know how I'm doing, if I'm eating enough, if I'm sleeping. She offers me food from her tray. I refuse. I tell her I had pancakes for breakfast. She looks dubious. I ask her about her pain. She tries not to complain, but I end up increasing her dose every day. I don't know if we'll ever catch up to what she needs.

On Saturday, I go on vacation. Every day, driving home, some song on the radio makes me burst into tears. I live 1.8 miles from work. There aren't that many songs. On Saturday, I go on vacation.

I should be cleaning

2009-09-26T21:29:00.002-04:00

Achey, tired, sore throat, and full of soup. Smack dab in the middle of two weeks of no days off. I should be cleaning in anticipation of Monday guests (Hi!), but instead I'm doing oh-so productive things like installing Google Chrome, trying to get my computer to access the hospitals records from home, and watching Project Runway. I took care of sick cancer patients today and also did dishes. That should totally be enough.

Also, Ben & Jerry's Oatmeal Cookie Chunk is truly amazing. I highly recommend it. B told me he was going to hide it from me when he bought it. Yeah, he's not a very good hider. To be fair, there are only so many places you can keep ice cream in the house...

Stolen from another blog

2009-09-01T18:15:00.002-04:00

I'm not so much short on time as I am short on inspiration. I'm doing a stint in the surgical intensive care unit...which is a vacation. I'm basically a glorified med student who can sign orders, so I diligently order daily labs and chest X-rays and do no actual doctoring whatsoever. It's amazingly dull, but...no call! It's so worth it! I am so well rested and well fed! But bored out of my mind. And since Brandon is working the 2p-midnight (ahem...1am...2am...) shift, I don't get to actually see him with my free time. I've been watching a lot of Dexter.

So...as I have no inspiration or things of true interest to share, I will do a list of 5 good things that made me smile today, much like Jennie!

1. This description of OB/GYN residents (coming from a surgery resident): "You're like surgery residents with less sleep who bake cookies and do their hair." So. True.
2. One cat in my lap, one cat sleeping next to me. Soon they will trade places. It is their way.
3. I didn't have enough yarn for the trim or neck bands on one of the sweaters I'm trying to finish! You'd think I'd be sad because I ran out of yarn, but no, for this means I can go...BUY YARN. Justified.
4. The fact that one of the case presentations at surgery conference today was about this big old mass that they took out that turned out to be ovarian. Ovaries?! What are those doing in there? Man, I miss talking about ovaries (surgeons seem to prefer livers and intestines).
5. The left internal jugular central line I placed today with one stick. Yeah, you knew I had to be creepy at some point.

Words to survive by

2009-08-08T16:22:00.002-04:00

This last week was hard. Things just weren't clicking like they had been before. I'm still doing the same things I have been, but something was just off... I felt like I kept screwing up. I was too independent or not independent enough or asking too many questions or not enough. Everyone has different expectations of you, and it's really hard to keep them straight. I feel pretty stupid and useless on a regular basis.

Anyway. I've been falling back on some mantras to get me through it (also on some chocolate).

There's are the classic intern mantra:
They can't stop the clock. ("They" can be attributed to anyone making your life unnecessarily difficult - attendings, patients, nurses, co-residents, whomever. Time will keep passing, no matter what.)

There's the residency mantra:
There's a reason it's a four year residency. (If we were supposed to know it all on Day 1, it wouldn't need to last as long.)

And there's the little mantra I picked up from (no joke) The Next Food Network Star:
I might fail, but I'm failing at the right thing. (There's nothing else I'd rather fail at.)

Anyone out there have any other suggestions?

This bodes poorly

2009-08-03T08:19:00.003-04:00

Things I have eaten today (keeping in mind that I am on nights, and my "today" is from last night until now when I am about to go to sleep):

-bowl of cereal
-cherries
-Diet Pepsi
-icelandic grapefruit yogurt
here's where it gets bad...
-paper cupful of ice cream (it was Pablo's birthday...)
-Whole Foods frozen mac and cheese
-large coffee

Um....yeah. I had good intentions. But then the patients kept coming and I never got to the cafeteria and I was stuck with the ice cream and mac and cheese. This is kind of how things have been going lately. I eat a healthy breakfast (at about 5 pm) and then degenerate throughout the day (night) and by the time I get home I'm too tired for real food. Real food takes time. I have a couple of zucchini in the fridge that I'll eat tonight. But who's to say where I'll be at 4 am. Sigh...

I do have a bag of organic cheese puffs (ha!) that I could take in tonight...

No time for prose

2009-07-26T21:04:00.002-04:00

I'm making it. I'm actually done with my first rotation as of tomorrow at noon. Sadly, my second rotation starts tomorrow at 6 p.m.

As with anything, there's the good with the bad.

The bad:
-the hours: doing this in 14-27 hour shifts is not ideal. If I could do this in 12 hour shifts, my life would be good.
-being an intern: we are the bottom of the totem pole, which means we do the unpleasant stuff (post-partum rounds at 5am, "foreign body removal," responding to the call line).
-never being rested.
-never having enough time at home.

The good:
-the beauty of 4:45 am light, driving over the river with the skyline on one side and the bay on the other.
-the people who are in this with me.
-a husband who is really taking care of me.
-patients who remember me and ask for me by name.
-being there for the patients, in the good and bad moments.
-and, of course, guiding the slimy, squirmy new lives into the world.

The good really does win out in the end.

Starting to feel "real"

2009-06-30T21:00:00.002-04:00

Remember in the Velveteen Rabbit? How you know when things become real because the get all beat up and whatnot? Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's what it's like when one becomes a "real" doctor.

It's been a hard 6 days (only 6? yikes...). But I'm starting to get it. A lot of the struggles are systems based: who to call for what, what I'm expected/allowed to do without an attending/who's nice/who isn't, etc.

Yesterday, a nurse paged me:

"Dr. G, I'm calling about Patient X. Dr. F came up earlier today to evaluate her bleeding. She gave Pitocin. But the patient is bleeding again. A lot. Gushing."

My stomach jumped to my throat. I pulled it together, asked about her vital signs, asked if she had an IV and what was running. And then I said I'd be right up.

When I walked into the room, the nurse gave me a run down of the patient's bleeding. She'd had a Cesarean section 11 hours earlier, and she'd been alternately trickling and gushing ever since. She was tired, pale, and still bleeding. I took a breath, and reached for a pair of gloves while asking for a fluid bolus and a stat CBC. I did an internal exam and found a few small clots, which I removed. Suddenly, I felt something shift inside me, and the "real doctor" in me came out. I turned to the nurse manager who had joined us, and asked for 2 mg of morphine, because I knew that whatever I was going to do next was going to be painful. Because the patient was "stable," I knew I could wait for pain relief. But I also asked for more meds, some of which I planned on inserting in the patient's rectum (yeah, no one likes that, but it works). Once the morphine was in, I did the most aggressive exam I've ever done, medicated the patient, inserted a speculum, and removed about 200 ml of clot from the uterus. Then I watched the cervix, saw that it truly wasn't bleeding, and felt the uterus contract into the firm ball that we love.

I'm still not sure how I knew what to do. It was almost an out of body experience. I kept communicating with the nurses and the patient, telling everyone what I was going to do and why. I know that I told the patient over and over again that we were going to take care of her, that she was going to be fine. I heard my voice, calm and steady, even though my thoughts were frantic: please stop bleeding pleasepleasepleaseplease. But she did. I did the right things, and she stopped bleeding. And she didn't even need a transfusion.

And later, in my inbox, I found an email from the nurse manager to me, my chief, and my program director, telling us that I was very impressive, both "professional and patient centered in a somewhat hectic situation." And I felt like a real doctor.

Dear Pharmacist

2009-06-28T21:20:00.002-04:00

Despite the fact that I do not feel like a real doctor yet, my DEA number is real. It is not a "pseudo-DEA number" just because I'm an intern. My patient would really appreciate it if you didn't give her such a hard time about her pain meds. It is not her fault that she is indigent and sees an intern for care. She's still a person.

Worst first day of school ever

2009-06-22T22:12:00.002-04:00

I've been busy. For a while, I was busy doing this.

Then there was the graduating and the Italy (and the wine and the olive oil and the pasta) and the moving to Providence.

Now I am "orienting" to my new job/role/identity/life. I am practicing saying, "Hi, I'm Dr. G," with a straight face.

Thank goodness I kept my maiden name for the doctor world. One of my co-interns didn't, and she commented that when she introduces herself as "Dr. B" she has no idea who that woman is. At least the "G" bit is familiar to me.

The people here are amazing. I'm so happy with my co-interns and senior residents. Everyone seems really, truly happy here, despite the hours and the stress. I start on Wednesday. Wednesday at 4:30 am. Yeah, I'm not so excited about the hours. But it's pretty great. On Sunday, I shadowed for about 9 hours and delivered a baby for the first time since last September. I like babies.

Today someone asked if they could put a patient on my schedule for staple removal. My schedule? Oh, my clinic schedule. MY CLINIC. I have patients that are going to be mine (they don't know it yet, but they will be). Only easy patients right now (i.e. staple removal...something I've been doing for a couple of years now), but they will be my patients. And I will be their doctor.

Hijacked by life

2009-05-06T12:26:00.002-04:00

Back! Not sure for how long!

Turns out when I said this blog would be wedding-y, I meant that wedding stuff would take over my life, thus leaving no energy for blogging. But, now that the wedding is 3 (3!!!) days away, I want to throw something out into the ether again.

Tamara tagged me, oh, a month ago in the take-a-picture-of-yourself-right-now-no-fixing-yourself-up blogging thing. Here I am. I had been experimenting with eye makeup, so if you look closely, you can see that one eye has a base of stila Oasis, while the other just has pink with no brown. Yes. You are excited. Also, I wear that blue shirt a lot lately, apparently.

Oh, and speaking of wedding: garter! No, I'm not throwing it, because that is, achem, not my style. No one needs to see my underthings in public. But...there are cute knitting patterns for garters, and I wanted to work with Cascade Fixation, so I did it. Knitty's pattern, ribbon I had laying around.
Also, on Monday I went to my mom's knitting group, where Annie Modesitt told me I would be a beautiful bride and advised starting the drinking early. Ha!

And...yes. People start arriving today. Things are mostly under control. There are still a number of projects (card box, centerpieces, jewelry for the moms), but it'll happen. And tonight we are going here for dinner. Win!

Warning

2009-04-14T01:15:00.003-04:00

This blog might be obnoxiously wedding-y for a while. You can't say I didn't warn you.

We got our pictures from the engagement shot we did in mid-March Minneapolis. It was the first warm(-ish) day, so I braved the short sleeved dress. There was still snow on the ground, but, eh, I'm a Minnesotan. I can handle it. I really like our photographer. She's unpretentious and willing to do some creative, offbeat shots.

Today I finished drafting our menu cards, programs, and out of town guest brochures. They still need a few details that we haven't decided yet (i.e. song choices), but once we have that, I can print and cut and assemble! And getting those done will make me feel good for some reason. I like having tangible finished objects.

Also! I'm making jewelry for my bridesmaids, which is an awesome way to get tangible finished objects. Jewelry making is faster than stole knitting. By a long shot. I have 4/5 necklaces done and 0/5 pairs of earrings done. It takes me about 3.5 hours to do a necklace, because they're wire work and double stranded. Earrings will go much faster, so I'm definitely going to finish in time. I'll post pictures once I have a complete set.

Basically, things are coming along well, with one exception. I. Hate. The. Seating. Chart. We have enough people from very different groups that we really do need to have a seating chart. I just wish there was a magical computer program to do it for me. There are a lot of natural groups of 6 and 7 and 9. Our tables seat 8. Yeah. And there are 5 teenagers, who all want to sit together (I made the mistake of asking 2 of them yesterday). But which 3 adults get stuck sitting at the teenager table? I mean, 3/5 are pretty with-it, interesting 16 year olds, but still (the other 2 are 13...I'm not implying that they are not with-it or interesting). Grrrr....

I guess I've had a relatively stress-free planning process thus far. Now is the time to kick it into high gear. Or some other vaguely sports related metaphor.

One month

2009-04-09T16:34:00.002-04:00

In one month, B and I are getting married. It actually feels real now. Tomorrow I go pick up my wedding band after getting it resized, and then, really, we have everything we need: each other, rings, license. We just have to get the officiant and ourselves to Minnesota, and we're good! Yeah, there's a lot of other stuff that "has" to get done, but if it didn't, we would still be married at the end of the day. And that's what matters. This is my mantra to keep myself sane.

Unfortunately, we also have to use this time to find a place to live in Providence. We've decided that life is too chaotic to buy right now. If we could invest more time in house hunting, it would probably be worth it. Since we only have a few days to actually look at places, we'd rather risk ending up in a lame apartment for one year than buying an undesirable condo.

Wanna see some wedding stuff? Sure, you do. Look! Flowers! We're DIYing because our date is, you know, the day before Mother's Day. It's better than February 13, but not by much. We're ordering through 2g Roses and Blooms By the Bunch, and we're saving a ton of money. These are our mock-ups, although the bouquet is kind of thrown together using waaay fewer stems than we will ultimately use. I ordered blue hydrangeas, white ranunculus, white and yellow roses, white stephanotis, blue and yellow irises, and white orchids. I think it will be really pretty. I mean, they're flowers: how ugly can they really be?
While we're talking about weddings, we might as well talk about...babies! My friend Jon and his wife Jamie are due...um...a few days ago, but she likes to bake them long, apparently. Baby is still firmly in utero, but I have a sweater for her when she comes out. It's Helena from Knitty in KnitPicks Swish. I really enjoyed working with this yarn. It's cheap, it's merino, it's superwash: what more can you want?

In other knitting...Mirabella (ravelry link) from Interweave made from Nashua Handknits. I'm turning it into a 3/4 sleeve pullover and maybe raising the neck, but the shaping and detail is from the pattern. Yeah, it's heavily modded. That's how I roll lately.

And this is my semi-secret project. So, just a picture for now. Also, I love Malabrigo laceweight.

PSA

2009-03-23T20:04:00.002-04:00

So...um...confession. While sending out our invitations, we apparently grabbed a few RSVP envelopes from the un-stamped, un-self-addressed pile. Based on the SASEs leftover after mailing all the invitations out, I'm guessing there are about 9 people out there who got one of these non-SASE RSVPs (how's that for use of acronyms?) and I just wanted to say we're sorry. I've figured out who 3 of you are, but the other 6 haven't revealed themselves yet. Sorry! We swear we didn't mean to be cheap!

(And for those of you who are not close friends and family and find this post totally useless, return later for more interesting content.)

Brown

2009-03-22T15:05:00.002-04:00

Starting in June, Brandon and I will be employees of Brown. (Sorry for the low quality crest image...it's what I could find quickly.) Specifically, I will be an OB/GYN resident physician at Brown Women & Infants Hospital, and he will be an Emergency Medicine resident physician at Rhode Island Hospital (right next door to each other). Suddenly, it's real. This is our future. We've started looking at housing options, and we might actually look into buying a condo. Providence is a lot more affordable than some of the other cities we were looking at, and there is that $8,000 tax credit thing this year. Then again, we might shun responsibility and keep throwing our money away on rent. We'll see. One thing is for sure: we're gonna eat a lot of shellfish next year. Oh, yeah.

No excuses

2009-03-19T00:37:00.002-04:00

I'm a bad blogger. And this time, I have no excuses. Honestly, I'm not doing anything outside of wedding planning and counting down the next 11 hours and 20 minutes. What's that? Oh, yeah, Match Day is tomorrow. That brilliant concept created to make medical students across the country blow their aneurysms. But, seriously, at noon EST on March 19, we all tear open envelopes that contain the name of the residency program we will be attending for the next 3-7 years (4 for OB/GYN). Yeah. No pressure.

I've been drinking wine and knitting lace. That's called coping, people.

Firsts and lasts

2009-03-07T11:38:00.002-05:00

Yesterday was kind of a big day for me, the beginning of a string of big days in the upcoming months.

It was my last day seeing patients as a medical student. Although I still have a reading elective left (Legal Issues in Reproductive Health - whoo!), I'm DONE with my clinicals. Done. Next time I care for a patient, I will be able to sign that order for Tylenol! Oh, the power... Seriously, though, I'm excited (and not just because of the obscene amount of sleeping in I have planned).

It was my first day getting cavities filled. I have grown up thinking I have perfect teeth. This is what the dentist tells me every time I visit them. I apparently had teeth that make dentists hyperventilate. Last cleaning (4 weeks ago) was no different. My X-rays were perfect. They couldn't see anything that looked bad. And then they got out this little light defraction/laser/ray gun device and held it to each tooth. In the end, they decided all of my sealants had to come off, and maybe there was a little bit of decay hiding under one of them. Ha. Or, as it turns out, I have five cavities that my friend Student Dentist Mark found for me yesterday. I went from no cavities to five. But, I am good with pain, and the cavities were shallow, so I avoided novacaine. I may have made some unhappy noises in the process, but I was not really feeling the whole slurred speech, drooling on myself thing. Anyway. My teeth are fixed now, but I'm still kind of pouty about the whole experience. I liked having perfect teeth.

It was also my first day realizing I really like violent movies. Not all violent movies, but I really enjoy a particular type of violence. We saw Watchmen last night. It was...okay. Really good at times, reeeallly slow at others. And I realize that the point of Doc Manhattan is that he's detached from humanity to some extent, but I spent a lot of the movie wanting to slap him across his serene face. I do love the whole Ozymandias, King of kings concept, so that worked for me. What really worked for me though, was the bloodshed. There's some pretty graphic, stomach turning stuff...and I liked it. Then, looking back, I realized that I also really liked the violence in Kill Bill and Eastern Promises. It's this specific kind of basic, almost arty, realistic violence that maybe appeals to the trauma surgeon in me? I'm not sure. Also, as a sidenote, there's a reasonably extensive sex scene in the movie that a couple of people walked out on. I'm sorry, you're fine with that extreme level of violence, but some consensual, adult sex is too much for you? That's messed up.

Also, two days ago was my first time wielding an embossing gun. Awesome! I'll try to get some pictures of my work when the light is better. (Also, for those of you wondering, the embossing was on invitation related paper goods, and the invitations are rapidly making it towards their goal of being mailed.)

Oh, hi

2009-03-01T20:57:00.003-05:00

Right. Blog.

So, part of my absence is not my fault. The stuff I really want to talk about is residency and my rank list and things that I really could not talk about until everyone's rank lists were in (2/25/09). That's not to say I couldn't have been blathering about other things to fill the time. Right.

Somehow, Brandon and I managed to figure out our program ranks in a way that has left us both pretty pleased. We find out where we match on March 19 (18 days! count 'em down!), and we're trying to focus on other things until then. But we're already kinda planning a little bit of a life in our #1 city. Not that we're getting our hopes up. Really.

It took me a while to come to peace with our decisions. The program we're ranking #1 is, um, posh. Really posh. So posh that it makes me maybe a little uncomfortable. There's a tiny bit of me that feels like a sell-out. But. It is remarkable training, and residency is something you only get to do once. And there's an attending I'm working with right now who trained at this hospital (different field), who is, well, quite posh. Fabulous outfits, perfect makeup, pointy shoes. But she also runs the clinic at the women's homeless shelter downtown and the HIV outreach programs. She is someone who trained posh, works in a posh institution, and is using that power (and money) to do a lot of good. She's got it both ways. Seeing that last week helped me feel more comfortable with my decision.

On a totally unrelated note (ahem), I went to Chicago two weeks ago with a two women from my knitting group. We had a ridiculous amount of fun. I may have spent an obscene amount on yarn, buttons, and paper goods. Traveling with fellow knitters is risky. It's been a while since I've gone on a trip with just women. We had so much fun we decided to try to do another trip, this time at a state park, to continue the excellent female bonding. I'm voting for Hocking Hills, the state park of my childhood (they have a zip line now...oooo....).

And, in an effort to keep with the pictures: knitting!

Here's that beret, now on my head instead of on the coffee table. I still feel kind of silly wearing a beret, but I like it.
New FO! Delicato mitts from KnitSpot, knit on US1s with Knit Picks Gloss. I lost one of my Hurry Up Spring mitts, needed new mitts, knit these, and then found the mitt I'd lost. Right now, I love these best.
And this is a silly little box. It's just a bunch of odds and ends knit together and felted. It's one of those Felted Boxes from Mason-Dixon. Since it's a bunch of different yarns, it didn't exactly felt perfectly, but it holds things. Things like my keys and hospital ID. Functional.
I'm almost done with the sleeves on Brandon's cardigan. And then blocking and sewing and the collar and the zipper. And then you know I'll make him model for you.

So ready...

2009-02-10T19:58:00.002-05:00

To honor my final overnight shift of medical school last week, some Cleveland citizens tried to steal my car. At 4:30 am I walked out to the parking lot, only to find a shattered window and busted up steering wheel column (i.e. lacking in ignition capacity). Two police reports and a tow truck later, it's still hanging out at the body shop waiting for one final part. Awesome. Also, the criminals left a pack of gum in the car when they fled. Yeah, I'm not chewing it. To say I am done with Cleveland is putting it lightly. I want to live and work without being worried about my safety or the safety of my belongings (i.e. my car...I don't require an environment where I can leave my wallet lying around without risk). I realize that that is a privilege many (most) don't have. But. I want it.

I started a rotation at the ritzy, private, academic hospital we rotate at on Monday. Man, it is nice. After working in the ED at the county hospital, the contrast is significant. At county, patients can't afford their medications, you have to get alcohol wipes out of the Pyxis (locked, tracked vending machine type things for meds and supplies) because the hospital is so in the red, and, clearly, security is not ideal. Honestly, whenever I left at night, I considered calling for a police escort. I probably should have. At fancy-pants hospital, classical music is piped through the hallways, there is a yoga class on the observatory floor of the new building, and I have lunch at Au Bon Pain. Oh, yeah, and the patients are all clean and can afford their meds (but that doesn't necessarily mean they take them). Is my work perhaps more meaningful at county? Sure. Absolutely. That doesn't mean that when I end up with a few perks I don't enjoy them. Sometimes it's nice to focus on the medicine and the science instead of the social issues. Ideally, there would be a balance, but that's hard to get in one hospital.

Also, oh, yeah...getting married in Less Than Three Months. We picked out wedding bands last weekend. We thought we ordered invitations, but it turns out that their online ordering system is a big mess and let us type in more words than they can print for the text. But now we're way into the words we came up with. So we need an invitation that can handle our verbosity. Uncheck.

Realization

2009-02-02T20:14:00.002-05:00

This conversation just happened.

Me: Ooo...Eunny Jang is on Facebook. I totally want to friend her.

Brandon: (amused chuckle)

Me: Wait, does that laugh mean you know who Eunny Jang is?

Him: Um, yeah. (facial expression that looks surprised I would think he could possibly not know who she is)

Apparently my obsession runneth over.

Winter wonderland?

2009-01-29T20:33:00.002-05:00

Apparently, it was time to snow. And snow it did. About a foot and a half. It took me an hour to drive 2 miles to my dental appointment yesterday. And then, when I drove home, I got stuck trying to turn around in a neighbor's driveway. Brilliant.

After an hour of shoveling my car out, a man drove by and asked if I wanted him to snow blow my driveway for $40. Okay, yeah, $40 is a lot. But...it honestly would have taken maybe 6 hours to shovel my driveway, and the thought of that made me want to cry. So I paid the man. And it was sooooo worth it. Also, when he gave me his card, it became very clear that he was newly unemployed. So I felt good about it.

Here's Brandon taking a sledge hammer to the layer of ice under the snow post-snow blowing. See the area to the right? It's a ditch. It's FULL of snow. A lot of snow.

Also, knitting! The Tangled Yoke is on hold while I wait for a US 0 circular to arrive from KnitPicks. In the meantime, I made Pecan Pie from Knitty.

The little teal bit at the bottom edge is a hem I knit out of Malabrigo so that I have soft yarn against my skin instead of Noro or whatever that gray yarn is (I don't remember - bought it freshman year of college). Also, on Ravelry, the edge looked like it curled a lot, and I didn't like that. I still have to sew in the ends and block it something fierce. But I like it! It's my first adventure in Noro and my first beret/tam.

Also, don't ask me how much ricotta I've eaten in the past few days...it's too embarrassing. I blame Costco.

Progress?

2009-01-18T16:21:00.002-05:00

In less than four months, I will be a doctor. Sure, people call me "Doctor" already (usually followed by, "You gotta help me...the pain" since I'm in the ED), but it isn't true. Soon, it will be. That's....weird.

There are things that I do now, kind of without thinking about it, that I would never have dreamed of doing four years ago. Things that even one year ago, my hands would have been shaking as I reached to do them. In one ED shift, I performed a pelvic exam on a woman who was in a lot of pain, did rectals on multiple constipated infants (sorry, babies!), helped splint a guy's broken hand (after he punched it through a window - brilliant), and threw all my strength into chest compressions on a man who I watched die moments later. When the old, substance-dependent guys thought that telling me I was pretty would help them get more pain meds, I was more firm, more confident with them than I used to be. I wasn't scared.

I fully expect to be terrified on my first day of internship. They say you should walk in on your first day ready to do a Cesarean section start to finish. Right now, I think I could. I've first assisted - found the fascial planes with my fingers, reached into the uterus and found a small head. But I don't know. I think I'm ready to be a doctor. I know that, with time, I'm going to be a great doctor. But right now, it's kind of scary.

Frozen inertia

2009-01-14T18:58:00.001-05:00

Um...I'm done? Brandon is still on the east coast, and he had one more to go, so I'm not quite to the celebrating part yet. But I think it feels good. Now, it's time to do what I do best: go crazy neurotic with the organization of data and opinions of each program. Because it is time to rank (aka judge). Somewhere, they are all ranking (judging) me, but I get to rank them as well. Ahhh....

If only there weren't dishes to do and ER lecture to go to tomorrow morning...

Back to reality?

2009-01-11T16:34:00.002-05:00

Apparently, I only have one interview left. And it's here in Cleveland. Yeah, that means I'm done traveling. Done. The suitcase goes back into storage!

However, it also means I have to start doing that whole working-in-the-hospital thing starting tomorrow. I'll be on Emergency Medicine for the next four weeks. I picked the hardest hospital to do that rotation at, mostly because I want to have an appreciation for what B will be going through next year. Yeah, they're limited to 60 hours per week (we're 80), but the random shifts seem draining. We'll see.

Also surprising: we're getting married in less than four months. What? When did that happen? Apparently, I need to start figuring some of those details out, at least if I want people to, you know, be invited or eat cake. Whatever.

Take that, flight industry

2009-01-08T00:36:00.002-05:00

As of today, I am officially done with flying for interviews.

I still have three more, but two are in Cleveland and one is driving distance. Score.

Of course, I couldn't have the last flight be uneventful. So, I booked a flight that would be canceled upon my arrival to the airport. And then, US Airways booked me on a (better! direct!) Continental flight...that left in 30 minutes. I jogged down to the Continental ticket stand, got my boarding pass, jogged back to security (rolling suitcase and giant interview "purse" in tow, still in my suit and heels), and proceeded to learn that I got to have extra security since I had technically just bought my ticket. And then, the TSA guy thought that flirting with me would make the situation better ("Why the extra security? Apparently Continental thinks you're special...but I think you're beautiful." Wink). He was wrong. He also kept insisting that my Tangled Yoke was crocheting. I may have overly firmly explained the one hook vs. two needles issue. I kind of took all of my interview season/flight frustration and focused it on him as those minutes ticked by. Luckily, Rochester's airport is pretty tiny, so I was able to run to my gate and make my flight. And be home by 4:00pm!

Ooo! Two big wedding things have been figured out! We now have an officiant and a honeymoon! Both are awesome. I'm giving our officiant a chance to tell people before I announce it publicly, and, apparently you're supposed to keep your honeymoon secret? So, I guess I'm not telling you. At least here. If I actually know you and you want to know, I'll tell you. Because I'm bad at secrets. And I've already told a lot of people. I'm too excited. Here's a hint. Can you guess (and no fair telling if you you know)?

Resolution of sorts

2009-01-01T23:17:00.003-05:00

So, I have this camera. And I use it to take pictures. And then those pictures sit on the camera for months on end and never make it to the blog. Oops. So, I've decided that my resolution this year is to work on actually making the transition from camera to blog.

Like so.

Here is the seasonal knitting. I finished the Anemoi mittens in Midway airport (you know...thus running out of knitting for that trip). They aren't blocked in this shot, and they probably never will be. Because I am always wearing them. The corrugated rib on the wrists is really too tight, but I can squeeze them on. And I love the colors.
Here is an FO from about a year ago, the After-Dark Robe. It was too tight in the shoulders for me, so I never wore it. Handknits are meant to be worn, so I gave it to my 17 year old cousin this Chrismas (also earrings and an iTunes gift card). She's adorable in it.
I didn't knit this one, Jenny did. Mom knit Dad a color work pirate hat, so Jenny knit him this matching scarf. He's the most stylish computer guy ever.
Fastest sweater ever! I heart US 13s! Except, I really don't. They hurt my hands. My friend Laura had this yarn made for me in Montreal. You pick these individual plies to put together to make one multi-color yarn. She knows my colors. This is the only pattern that was close to guage with this yarn, so Cherie Amour it is. It's wearable, but it's not my all time favorite fit. I feel like it flattens the chest and widens the waist. But the color is good.
And, lastly, Brandon's neck warmer. He picked out the yarn himself, Plymouth Alpaca...mmmmm... The pattern was made up as I knit.
That's all for now. I've still got at least two FOs that need photographing, three that need felting or buttons or something, and one project on the needles. Not too bad.

The year can only get better

2009-01-01T03:16:00.003-05:00

Wow...to say that was my worst New Year's celebration since...um, ever, would be accurate. No real worries. I still have Brandon and kitties and knitting and family. But I am kind of sick of being told that other people are allowed to treat me a certain way because I am more accomplished and that I should just be the bigger person. It would be nice if everyone was supposed to be respectful of everyone else. Maybe that's my New Year's wish.

Discoveries

2008-12-30T19:08:00.002-05:00

The Costco near us has started selling giant chunks of St Andre. This might be bad for my saturated fat intake.

Also, the New York Times just informed me that Obama is a smoker! Noooo!!! I'm kind of disappointed, actually.

Also, we had a very lovely Christmas. Brandon and the kitties and I all went to West Virginia to see my Dad's side of the family. Activities included cutting down a Christmas tree, decorating said tree, eating about 12 kinds of cookies, presents/stockings, singing songs from childhood, poetry reading, Trivial Pursuit (my team won!), and three FOs (pictures to come). It was a very Garmin Christmas, with Jenny, Dad, Brandon, and I receiving Garmin GPS systems and Brandon receiving a Garmin running watch.

Now we're back in Cleveland, cleaning the house top to bottom for the first time since, um...October? Yeah...

I hope you all had wonderful holidays!

All by myself...

2008-12-17T23:54:00.002-05:00

The worst part of this isn't the travel. Or the expense. Or the constant wearing of suits. Or, really, the fact that I've rotated through 4-5 outfits without variation over the past month and a half. The worst part is how lonely this is. I miss my friends and my family. Every once in a while I get to see someone I know, and it is just wonderful.

The other part of this is that it makes you want to bond with anyone familiar - like the other applicants. I now have a handful of new best friends who I know because we're on the same interview circuit. We've exchanged emails and friended each other on Facebook. One woman and I spent 6 hours straight talking nonstop on the train from Boston to Philly. We're friends because we have similar interests and passions and things to talk about. But, really, we're friends because we're lonely. We're so starved for friendship. And we're finding it in each other. And some of them? Some of them will become my best friends for the next four years - I just don't know who yet.

Also. Also, I've learned to eat dinner by myself. Because of the ice storm in Portland, I'm staying in a hotel downtown instead of with my future in-laws up a steep hill. And also because of the ice storm, the resident dinner was canceled tonight. So I found a nice restaurant and treated myself to one of the nicest dinners I've had in quite a while: a salad of endive, apple, cranberries and pine nuts, and some hazelnut crusted trout over farro. And a glass of Rioja. Because this is my comfort. And because otherwise, I'd be ordering room service in the hotel and feeling even more lonely.

Only two more days until I get a break. Until then, I have my comforts.

Rookie mistake

2008-12-11T16:49:00.002-05:00

I actually ended up liking the little bit of the south I visited pretty well. Plus, the night before party was next door to Ben Folds house! Awesome!

But.... I ran out of knitting. I don't know how I let that happen. I was working on the second mitten for Annemoi, and even though I knit the first one almost a year ago, I do remember it finishing very quickly. But I did not take this into account in my knitting packing (the most important packing of all). So on Tuesday when I finished the mitten during my Midway layover before the interview even happened, I knew I was in trouble: no knitting until I got home Wednesday night.

So now I'm over-compensating. For a trip from Thursday to Sunday with two flights and one train ride, I've started a sweater (Cherie Amour) and brought two cones of yarn (the yarn Laura made for me in Montreal). I will not let this happen again.

My hair is not big

2008-12-09T22:59:00.003-05:00

I am in the south. Not The South, but the south nonetheless. As in, the airport I flew into had a leopard print baby grand. And a lot of cowboy hats. But, apparently the program is newly more Family Planning friendly than I thought, and B really loves it, so I'm trying to swallow the cowboy hats.

Boston (and Hahvahd)

2008-12-03T23:26:00.003-05:00

Apparently at the hotel in Boston (Brookline), the shampoo and conditioner come in the following flavors: quinoa and amaranth. At least my hair is getting its whole grains even though my body is not while I travel about and live on Dunkin Donuts. I do like those egg sandwiches though.

Chicago: check

2008-11-23T22:59:00.002-05:00

Yeah, I lied. The only picture I took in Chicago was of the guys playing Wii tennis. But, I will say this: Lake Michigan is east of Chicago. Thus, when you are on the bus driving down Lake Shore Drive at 6:30 am, the sun is rising over the lake, and it is just too beautiful. And then if you want to finish viewing the sunset over breakfast from the third floor of a building on the lake in a room with floor-to-ceiling windows, well, that's okay too. Chicago makes a good argument for moving there.

Also. We were staying with one of Brandon's friends from college. He has a giant apartment on the North Side with two roommates. I also have some friends in Chicago, but we wanted to stay together and knew there was room for both of us at this place. Anyway, I wanted to try to see one of my friends from middle school while I was there. I see him when I'm in his city, and we exchange about two long emails a year. One of those friends. Anyway. Once I got to Chicago, I gchatted him to see where he lived, if meeting up would be practically reasonable. Ha. Turns out he lives In The Same Building we were staying in. Out of all of Chicago, it turned out he was just down the hall. I'm all about weird, kismety coincidences like that. So, yeah, we had dinner. I met his cats. It was easy.

Now I am sick and in St. Louis. The whole stress and minimal sleep and flying on airplanes with recirculated air did me in, and I am at the peak of some sort of cold/flu thing. But it's okay, because after tomorrow I get a break: no more interviews until December 3! Yay! I will be flying to and from Portland for Thanksgiving in that time period, but that's a pleasure trip instead of a business trip. And I will sleep and be a real person instead of this weird interview version of myself I am constantly being. I'm looking forward to it.

Brief visit home

2008-11-18T10:12:00.002-05:00

The title refers both to the fact that I just did a 53 hour stint in Minneapolis (approximately 11 of those hours were for interview activities) and to the fact that I am in Cleveland for one of my little 14 hour "visits." I miss my house. And my kitties.

Anyway, thank you for the thoughtful comments on the last entry. I really appreciate hearing what people who have actually delivered have to say. I also appreciate hearing that my family members have a healthy dose of life-wish and practicality.

And...yes. Off to Chicago. Then St. Louis (an image of Judy Garland just sprung into my head unbidden). And then back for an 8 hour visit to my home. I'll try to take pictures in Chicago, because Chicago is pretty and has that reflective orb thing downtown.

<24 hours

2008-11-13T19:42:00.002-05:00

Tomorrow I finish my stint at Magee. Today I did my presentation on Implanon and had my meeting the the program director. So...tonight I really didn't have anything to do.

So I watched The Business of Being Born. Questionable choice, I know. I went into it knowing that it would get me all riled up. But what with that article in the New York Times and my fellow telling me she is briefly in TBoBB, I felt inspired.

I expected to be angry. But mostly I'm amused by how internally contradictory the whole message of the movie is. Early on, they talk about how awful it is that women are exposed to TV images of birth: screaming, sweaty, grunting - it's totally not true, guys! That's just the media buying into the Message of Fear! But then they go on to show multiple screaming, sweaty, grunting births. Real ones. Far more fear inducing than TV.

Then, they spend a lot of time talking about how awful pitocin is. The evil, evil pitocin that causes the uterus to crush the baby! But then, when the safety of home birth is questioned, they argue, "But, look! We have pitocin in our home birth bag! See? Totally safe! No post-partum hemorrhage here!"

The thing that actually made me mad was when they basically blamed Cesarean sections for the fall of society. You see, when a woman has a Cesarean, she is deprived of a critical bonding moment with her baby and thus never truly becomes attached and loving as Mother Nature intended. What? Sure, it's awful that moms don't get to hold their babies immediately after Cesarean. And a Cesarean is major surgery with all the associated risks. But, really? Moms who have Cesareans don't love their babies as much as moms who have vaginal deliveries. That's offensive. And ridiculous.

Yes, the idea of a home birth surrounded by the people you love, getting to move how you want and eat what you want is lovely. Viewing birth as a personal journey, your own mountain to climb is a nice personal growth tool. And, honestly, if every home birth was in a major metropolitan area with a Certified Nurse Midwife as rational as the one in this film, my feelings on home birth might be different. When they cite statistics on the safety and prevalence of home birth in Europe, it is important to remember the different systemic setting for those births. I'm not saying our system is right. It's clearly flawed. But it is the system we are in right now. In Ohio, for example, you cannot have a CNM at your home birth. Only lay midwives do home births in Ohio. This means less training, significantly reduced ability to handle or recognize complications and no prescription powers (thus no pitocin, no methergine, no hemabate). I'm not comfortable with that. Frankly, after seeing what I've seen in the brief time I've been doing this, that terrifies me.

In conclusion, I'm pretty sure I've said some things that will make people angry. Have at it. I respect your right to choose the birthing process you desire, but as a practitioner I'm not comfortable with sacrificing the option of emergent interventions just for an experience. My final outcome is a healthy baby, and I really don't see what's so wrong with that.

Cravings

2008-11-12T14:05:00.002-05:00

I am at work, supposed to be working on my Implanon presentation (Implanon, the new, improved Norplant! Now less painful to yank out of your arm!), but all I want to do is shop for yarn for a Clapotis. Why? Why now? Clapotis has been around since 2004, and I never caught the bug before. But now that it is cold and I am bugged out on rotations and interviews, there is very little in the world I want more (besides, you know, peace on earth and good health for my family and loved ones and whatnot).

Also, do you know how many residency programs Brandon and I applied to combined? 68. And do you know how many interview invitations we received? That number would also be 68. Booyah. (We're only going on, um, 40 or so combined, but we still feel very loved and wanted.)

Whooooooooooo!!!!!

2008-11-04T23:28:00.000-05:00

Wow. We did it.

Um, go vote (duh)

2008-11-04T17:35:00.002-05:00

I'm gonna keep being nervous until tonight is over. Because as much as it looks like things are going to go for Obama, it ain't over until it's over. Obviously, if you're the sort of person who reads this, you're the sort of person who doesn't need to be reminded to vote. So, good for you. Way to vote (unless you didn't, in which case, go do it now).

Anyway, I had my first residency interview yesterday. I am happy to report that I agree with Delores and Meredith: Sofft shoes rule. Are they Dansko comfy? Well, no, not quite. But for 3.25 inch heels, they are awesome! I definitely had more spring in my step than the women in other, non-comfy heels, and I think that was what clinched the interview.

I'm a little hesitant to talk too much about specific interviews here, since I'm paranoid. What if a program director is here and I said nicer things about other programs than I did about their program? Or what if they realize who I am and that they really hate my choice of yarn? So I'm going to be vague.

Yesterday I was at an excellent academic program in New England. It was beautiful, all fall-in-New-Englandy, and I was very impressed with the program. The residents were incredibly friendly, and they honestly seemed happy. I think I could be happy there. Also, driving through the happy New England town this morning, streets were lined with "Go vote!" signs, and I felt happy. Then I went to the airport where I randomly ran into someone who used to make me feel incredibly unhappy on a regular basis. Again, here I will be vague, but I was not quite ready for that. It went well, considering the situation, and I left with some sense of resolution that I had never really obtained 8 years ago. In summary, a productive two day trip.

Also, go vote.

Preparing

2008-10-26T13:10:00.003-04:00

My first residency interview is in a very short 8 days. It's both exciting and terrifying. I think I'm ready. I need to think of a good, marketable weakness that isn't so cliche as "I work too hard" or "my standards are too high." (Internets? What are my marketable weaknesses?) My suits are clean, well-fitting, cute, and hemmed. I have a variety of shirts that say "Professional! But fun! And good at pelvic exams!" And...I may have bought new shoes. Because I want to be tall but still have intact nerves in my feet at the end of the day. Sofft claims that they can accomplish both goals with arch support and cushy insoles. And, look! Cute!

Did I really need new shoes? No, probably not. I could have just had my suits hemmed to work with flats. But then I wouldn't have had an excuse to buy new shoes.

Homesick

2008-10-20T21:15:00.003-04:00

I'm in Pittsburgh. It's not a bad thing, but I miss my home. I miss B and the kitties and our kitchen and the water pressure in our shower (in approximately that order). It's fine here. I think this elective will give me an edge in the application process, and I'll learn a lot. I'm in a safe living situation with a bed and shower (albeit crappy water pressure) and fridge and microwave and such. It is a 45 minute commute, but my mornings aren't that early (and the commute involves waiting for the shuttle from the off-site parking lot).

I'll probably have weekends off, so I can go home then. Only four more days.

I'm trying to think of the ways in which this is my last big premarital quest. It's me doing something I love (family planning) for me by myself. I'm being really, mostly independent again. I'm sure it'll get fun soon. But for now, I just miss my home.

Pout

2008-10-15T18:47:00.002-04:00

I am very busy. Very, very busy feeling sorry for myself for ridiculous reasons. And this state of self-pity is kind of maybe keeping me from being productive. You see, I am in the middle of interview offer season (follows application season, precedes actually going on interviews). And I have been very, very lucky. Too lucky. So now I have the problem of trying to schedule all of these interviews at the same time. To say that spreadsheets are involved in this process is putting it lightly: I live and die by my google doc of interview dates. Right now, the month of December looks something like this: drive to City A, interview, drive home, fly to city B, interview, rent car, drive to city C, interview, drive to city D, interview, return car, fly home....andonandonadnon. I will basically live out of a suitcase for three weeks straight. And then go to my grandparents' house for Christmas and collapse on their couch, more drained even than last year when I arrived 12 hours after finishing a nasty bout of food poisoning.

And, because OB/GYN seems to be offering interviews earlier than ER is, I'm scheduling things without really knowing where B will get interviews. So far, we do have a lot of overlapping cities, but there are a few where I might end up canceling (no point on going if we're not both interviewing there). So I can't buy plane tickets yet. Which is driving me nuts. Also, my schedule has become so full that I had to schedule two interviews during my rotation at Pitt. I was trying soooo hard not to do that. The people there seem cool with it, but I still don't like it. I mean, at this point, I love Pitt. A lot. And to leave a rotation there to interview someplace that maybe I don't love as much (but maybe I do! won't know until the interview!) seems...odd. But I'll do it.

I was reading Yarn Harlot yesterday, and I now have a new strategy (or is it a tactic?) for coping with this scheduling stress: pretend it's a book tour. See? More fun already. Instead of interviewing, I'm marketing the story of a young woman who has to convince an endless series of people of what a great doctor she'll be! The story gets a little repetitive in the middle, but the ending is worth it (I hope). The real question is, do you think I could get any of my interviewers to hold the sock?

Re: Religulous

2008-10-11T23:57:00.002-04:00

Dear Bill Maher,

I love you, but your movie made my head explode. More specifically, the people in your movie made my head explode.

Warm regards,

Me

I voted today

2008-10-08T22:54:00.002-04:00

Because Ohio has an early voting option (in person at the Board of Elections), and because I'll be in Pittsburgh on election day, I voted today. It actually felt pretty special. And I got a sticker.

Photographic evidence

2008-10-07T18:29:00.003-04:00

I recently downloaded a bunch of pictures off of Brandon's camera, which I now want to share. Because I've been seriously lacking in the picture department.

It turns out that I have continued on this whole knitting lifestyle thing (it's not a hobby...it's a lifestyle. You know.) This is Summer Lace Shawlette by Sandi Wiseheart. It's meant to be in a heavier yarn, but I had KidSilk Haze, so I used it. And.I.Love.It. I know that I'm an old lady, but I perhaps have worn this shawlette to coffee shops. I held off from wearing it to a bar. For now. Oh, but where am I in this picture? That would be the French Laundry. Indeed. My little shawl got to make her premiere at the French Laundry. Perhaps this is why I love her so.

Also, in case anyone out there is questioning why I am choosing B as my partner in life, I'd like to point out that he took this picture. We went to Art Fibers in San Francisco a few months ago. Not only did he happily hang out while I waffled between which yarn to buy for my mother, he documented the experience. Which is excellent, because I was way too overwhelmed to remember to take my camera out of the bag. In conclusion, my fiance takes pictures of yarn. The end.

Update on the Fly

2008-09-28T19:35:00.003-04:00

-Bought a dress! I totally gave in and decided I would go insane if I kept looking, so traditional (as in ivory) it is. But traditional with flair. And soul. It's a relief.

-Hanging out on the Surgical Intensive Care Unit = not so much fun. Rounds take forever, people die, everyone is on a ventilator. But I get to be the reigning champ of all things ob/gyn whenever we get an ob or gyn patient, so that's something. On Thursday I gave a lecture to the team on various forms of ingrown placentas. Yay!

-Grey's Anatomy with Bernadette Peters?!!! Yes, please. Also, "Pen trach?....Hot!"

-Knitting things: finished Wallis cardigan...pictures to come...eventually. I like it. It's blue and simple and fits pretty well. However, when sewing on the hook and eyes, it took me a while to remember how to sew things on in a method other than the one I use for central lines. (That's weird, Karen.) Also, Laura bought me yarn! It's beautiful! And enough for a sweater! Which means I have about five sweaters worth of yarn waiting to be knit!

-Went to a Blessingway. Awesome. The mother we honored is already a great mother, and I'm excited for her to have a second child. It was also pretty great to be part of a ritual again. It's been a while. There was smudging and goddesses and symbolic yarn and candles. Internets, hope for a good, easy birth and a good, easy baby for D.

-Residency interviews: I have them. Not all of them, by any means, but enough to feel pretty confident that I will end of somewhere awesome. Two of my top five have invited me, so that's good. Suffice it to say, I will live on an airplane from about November 16 to January 7 or so (small break for holidays).

That's all for now. More when I'm on anesthesia (better hours).

Go to bed, Karen

2008-09-19T00:30:00.003-04:00

To say that I am stressing about this whole wedding dress thing is putting it mildly. We found a few options last weekend, but I'm just not feeling right with this whole traditional white (ivory) with train thing. I think I will get there. Maybe. But right now, I'm balking. It feels like giving in, somehow. And yet, maybe, on that day, I'll want to look like "a bride." Or whatever. Those of you who commented about color options you've done or seen are definitely helpful. I really appreciate everyone's support (both commenters and friends). Tam, thank you for cards and buttons and emails and comments and really knowing what I'm struggling with. Kristin, thanks for compliments and alternatives and your generally positive outlook. Delores (hi!!), thank you for the same. I love that your daughter got married in brown (I kind of want pale aqua - our color). Seriously. I realize that this is, on some level, not a big deal. But in our culture, it is made to be this Huge Big Thing. Have you picked The Dress yet? What does The Dress look like? As if there were never dresses before and I will be wearing pants for the rest of my life. So, yes, I want to get it right, as it were.

But, for inspiration, I just looked through a friend's wedding photos, with the goal of figuring out what was awesome about her dress, what made her decide that, yes, this piece of cloth is worth the money. While her dress was awesome (modern, no froo-froo factor, flattering), what stood out was how beautiful she was. She was absolutely beaming, and the dress was really not the focus. That's important. Also, B was a groomsman in that wedding, and every once in a while, I'd click to a picture of him. Then I would beam. It'll be okay. Whatever I'm wearing, I'll be really happy, so maybe the dress will fade into the background.

Cute

2008-09-07T00:47:00.001-04:00

I went to knitting group today. At a coffee shop. This is what transposed when I returned home.

B (after smelling me): Awww....you're like a Good Eats character.

Me (confused): What?

B: You know, like the Lady of the Refrigerator. Only you're the Lady of the Coffee.

Me (not exactly thrilled): Ahhh...

In conclusion, I love my knitting group, but I wish it did not make me smell so much of coffee. And sometimes panini as well.

Some days...

2008-09-02T20:51:00.003-04:00

Some days instead of delivering babies you monitor pregnant women after they've been assaulted. By their mothers.

And when you ask if they have a safe place to go home to, they say yes, but you knowknowknow they are lying. But as long as they won't say otherwise, our job here is done. Until next time.

I will not be afraid of women

2008-08-31T17:28:00.002-04:00

Yesterday I made my first appointment to look at wedding dresses. And then, I hung up the phone and promptly burst into a cold sweat.

I am not freaked out by the getting married part of this whole wedding thing. But I am freaked out by the "wedding" part, particularly the "wedding dress" part. I am scared of the women who work in these wedding dress shops who will try to make me spend more than I want on a puffy, white, beaded cloud that will make me unrecognizable. Frankly, I'm not even 100% sure I want to get married in white (or ivory/cream/diamond/ecru/champagne/whatever).

In two weeks we have the mega-wedding-dress-shopping weekend. My parents are coming to town, so Mom will be with me the whole time. Sometimes my grandmother or my aunt will be with me as well. They are all pretty sensible people, so I'm hoping they'll help me shoo away the poof. Because I don't want the dress to weigh more than I do.

Today I slept in

2008-08-30T12:29:00.002-04:00

Today I slept in until 11 am. It was amazing. Since my last weekend of my medicine AI was my "black" weekend (on call from Saturday morning to Sunday afternoon), I have not had a day off in two weeks. Also, I didn't sleep post-call last weekend because a friend was in town (hi, Alex!) and I had coffee with him. It was worth it, but did not help the sleep count.

But, guess what! My medicine AI is over! Yay!!! (Note the appropriate spelling of "yay," Jan.) Now I'm back on pregnancy and babies (maternal fetal medicine elective) for two weeks. On Monday, the first thing I did was a C section at 7:30, and as my scalpel hit skin for the first time in months, something inside me breathed a sigh of relief. That's right. I hated last month, not because I hate medicine, but because it is not the sort of medicine I'm supposed to be practicing. This is. While I've been getting up at 4:15 most mornings, I don't care. This is better.

And now, three day weekend! I'll probably go in at some point today because my attending has a patient delivering, and he usually calls his students to come in for the delivery. But, still, three days in a row to sleep in. It is amazing. And he usually lets me do the delivery practically on my own, so it is totally worth it to go in.

Oh, and by the way, I'm applying to residency in, um, three days. The real action doesn't get going for a bit longer, but the application will be submitted. Whee! Or something.

...

2008-08-20T20:19:00.002-04:00

Stephanie Tubbs Jones died today of a ruptured brain aneurysm. She was driving in Cleveland Heights when that errant vessel gave way; that's how close to home this is, literally.

Just like with Wellstone, there isn't a lot to say that would be appropriate. Cleveland, Ohio, the U.S., anyone who calls themselves a liberal... We are hurting today.

2008-08-13T19:44:00.002-04:00

For those of you keeping score, I have 11 days left of this rotation and 3 more calls. Call = staying overnight = 31 hour shifts (oops! I mean "30" hours, ACGME). Last time I was on call I got 45 minutes of sleep. And during those 45 minutes the Family Medicine resident in the call room next to mine was doing a pretty poor job of answering his pages promptly, so his pager kept beeping and beeping.

So far, I haven't actually lashed out at anyone, but let me tell you something. There is very little that makes me angrier than when I am post-call but still about 6 hours away from going home and I am on the elevator with people who are not physicians or medical students and they are complaining about having to work a 12 hour shift that day. Come on, I worked 12.5 hours today and it was my short day. I never express that anger, because I know this schedule is my own fault. Yes, I'm paying for the privilege to work like this. I chose this. But, still, could you people wait to complain about your tough schedules until there is not some half-dead medical student slumped against the elevator wall? You've been around. You know the signs of post-call misery. Show some tact.

Today my intern said that he sensed some frustration and anger beneath the surface in me. I wonder what he meant.

Compromise

2008-08-04T20:12:00.002-04:00

Or...I can do a different style. Instead of "information" and "updates" and "pictures," this blog will maybe be a place to whine, short form style. Yes?

(Okay, brief update: went to T&J's wedding (awesome! beautiful! yay, T&J!), studied for Step 2, took Step 2, went to California, ate at the French Laundry (oh.my.god.), met Brandon's extended family, came back, started my Internal Medicine Acting Internship, cried a little.) More on all that later. Maybe.

So, someone in the Ravelry wedding forum mentioned that white dresses for weddings were for people to show off their wealth, in that they can afford a seriously impractical and easily made dirty garment. White is not a practical color when around mess. So....why the white coats for doctors, people? Seriously? Gross.

Also, when you give a guy a hefty dose of narcotics and then wake him up from a deep sleep, and he can't remember your name, but pretty much knows where he is and what's going on, do not page me worrying about his mental status. Trust me, when you wake me up, that patient is going to be a lot more oriented than I am. Then, I will drag myself across the hospital to go see said patient, and (with my senior) give him the life-threatening diagnosis of "sleepy."

See you in a month

2008-08-02T18:44:00.001-04:00

I can't pretend. This isn't happening right now. I'm on my medicine acting internship and it is EATING MY SOUL. Luckily, I have a plucky little soul, so I expect to make it through okay, but there will be no blogging in the meantime. Probably. See you August 25th or so.

In the meantime, entertain yourself with this:

http://www.feministing.com/cgi-bin/movabletype/mt-search.fcgi?IncludeBlogs=2&search=Sarah+Haskins

I remember this feeling...

2008-07-15T01:30:00.002-04:00

Apologies to people who actually bother to read this. I know I was all, "stay tuned...more coming." I forgot that I was about to StudyForBoards. Last time I did this, I pretty much became a hermit. Well, if hermits are allowed to go to coffee shops, that is. But I didn't talk to people except for Brandon, and I spent approximately 16 hours a day in front of my textbooks or online test question bank. So, yeah...that's basically what I'm doing again. People told us, "Oh, Step 2 isn't as bad! You won't have to study that hard!" Yeah...they lied. Brandon and I take the test on Monday, July 21st, so we're both kind of in panic stage, which means no pictures for you. Yet.

But, here's a cute little story. Tonight we ordered takeout from this little Indian place we go to occasionally. Indian food because we deserve a treat, takeout because we still have to keep studying while we eat. So, we went and got our food, but when we got home, we realized the kheer was missing. And I love me some kheer. Half the point of getting the Indian food is the kheer. So B went back. And when the Indian man at the counter realized he'd left out our kheer he was waaaay apologetic. And then he said, "And you are regulars, too! I'm so sorry. Here, I'll give you two beers." And he put two bottles of beer in the paper bag with the kheer. We're regulars! They recognize us at the Indian restaurant! And they love us enough to try to buy our love with beer. It made me feel special. Granted, I'm not all that into lager, but it's the thought, you know?

Okay, off to try to sleep. Sleep is tricky lately, because I have the adrenaline and the palpitations and all of that goodness. But that's what Benadryl is for, right? Haha...no, seriously.

I've actually been living life in the real world...weird

2008-07-08T01:38:00.002-04:00

The last week has been long and busy. The last 9 days, really. So, I do want to update, but it's going to have to be in installments. Which means maybe I'll update more regularly? Eh?

Two weekends ago two of my very best friends came to visit - Marissa and Amy. Seeing as how Ris is my maid of honor and Amy is a bridesmaid, I was super, super excited about their timing. I did my best not to be all, "Blahblahblahweddingblahblahdressblahblahcolortheme," all weekend. You can ask them how I did. (No, I don't know how you can ask them, since I'm not posting their phone numbers or anything. Some of you know them, so I guess you could ask them. Anyway.) We ate Turki sh food and went to the Cleveland wine festival and ate dinner at Lola and brunch at Tommy's. I think I did a reasonable job of convincing them that Cleveland isn't a total wasteland (which it isn't, but they have recently lived in places like New York and Philadelphia and Seattle, so...yeah.) And then I was sad when they left. Because I love them a lot. Okay, I'm done being sappy. For now.

Besides, there was not time to be sad, because the future in-laws were coming! Wes and Kris are really great people, and I like them a lot. But...this was the first time when I would see them as Future-In-Laws. So, maybe I was a leetle bit stressed. It was completely fine. They took us back for a second Lola dinner (yay!) and were otherwise quite low-key. Wes has learned that I like cheese, so whenever he visits our fridge becomes full of awesome cheese. Today I ate half a loaf of bread with about a quarter pound of cheese and some tomatoes for some sort of lunch/dinner combo meal. I was a happy girl. Basically, I have a future father-in-law who likes to increase my access to cheese and wine. I am more than okay with this.

Then, all of us (Wes, Kris, Brandon, and Karen) drove down to Dayton, Ohio for the wedding of Jeremy and Tamara. Jeremy is one of B's friends from elementary/middle/high school. B was a groomsmen, and Jeremy will more than likely be part of our wedding party. Tamara and I met once in real life before the wedding, but we've become really good blog friends (you may recognize her name from the comments). So, I managed to score an invite to the bachelorette party, the rehearsal dinner, the wedding, and the next-day barbecue! Sweet!

On the way down to Dayton, we drove so close to the house I lived in from age 7-14 years, so I made B stop. So...just so you know, when we lived there the garage was not painted with a giant O. We are indeed OSU fans (both of my parents have multiple degrees from THE Ohio State University), but not that kind of OSU fan. The trees are much bigger, and I'm pretty sure that the hostas in front were planted by my mother about 15 years ago. Kind of fun.

Okay, that's all for now. I leave you with this teaser picture from the bachelorette party. (Note to relatives who read this: only one of those martinis is mine. That's not saying I didn't order a second one later in the night, but I definitely did not have six. Just sayin'.) Come back next time for stories of multiple parties and a wedding and meeting more internet friends (hi, Jennie and Heidi!). You know you want to.

Go Fish!

2008-06-25T19:12:00.004-04:00

Dear Minnesota,

Thank you for holding the 2009 fishing opener on May 8th and 9th, thus making those dates open and available at almost all of the ceremony and reception sites we are considering. Yes, I realize that May 10th is Mother's Day, but my very own mother pointed out that Minnesotans are more likely to schedule their weddings around fishing than mothers. No, we haven't set a date, but I'm happy to know that there are dates to be had.

Big Heart,
Karen

And so it begins

2008-06-23T00:21:00.002-04:00

Because I am me and being me involves an intense love of planning things and a hefty pinch of neurosis, I am neck deep in finding a date and a venue. It will be done, and it will be done soon and in budget. So help me.

For the most part, it's been going fine. We have a number of options, and my parents have kindly agreed to check them out for us. I'm fairly confident that we'll be able to come up with something good fairly soon (luckily, I'm not all that picky in this area). However, all this planning means I've been spending some time on wedding planning forums (mostly the Ravelry forum, because I'm still a little scared of brides but I'm not scared of knitters...it's like my baby step into bride-land). One of the common topics on these forums is how crazy one's mother or future mother-in-law is, how overbearing, how ridiculous. They talk about all of their parents' friends who have to be invited who are obnoxious. They talk about disparaging comments about their weight or their dress or their invitations. Some of the stories are truly terrifying.

I just want to take this moment to say, publicly, thank you Mom and Dad and Kris (FMIL) and Wes (FFIL) for being so amazingly sane. And supportive. I realize that this wedding will be challenging to plan since B and I are in Cleveland and the wedding will probably be in Minneapolis. Also we are med students. That probably doesn't help. But you guys are awesome. Nobody is insisting on venues or colors or guests we don't want. It probably helps that B and I both, you know, actually really like our families and want to invite all of our aunts and uncles and cousins. Also, we like our parents' close friends. But, seriously, thank you. You have all been very clear that you are thrilled for us and will do whatever you can to help without being at all invasive. I couldn't ask for anything better than that.

A very happy birthday

2008-06-19T18:10:00.003-04:00

Yesterday I turned 25. That's right, I now have a quarter-century of life experience under my belt. Honestly, I wasn't getting so hyped up about the whole thing. It was on a Wednesday this year, so I wasn't planning on doing all that much. Last Friday I want to Bar Cento with some friends and ate Belgian fries with three varieties of house made mayonnaise. But it didn't really feel like a Birthday; it felt like a bar with friends, which is fun but not Birthday.

Tuesday I asked B if we were doing anything on Wednesday (my birthday). He just smiled and said, "Yes," then went back to his Emergency Medicine textbook. Hmmm.... Something was up.
We had a class meeting yesterday where they told us all of the ins and outs of applying to residency. Some of us are neurotic and already knew the details, but I went anyway. B was a no-show. He left me a voice-mail saying something about "being stuck in traffic."

When I got home, I came home to this. The kitties like roses. Gan likes to chew on the leaves and then puke them up. Biscuit likes to stand on her back legs and smell the roses. Pretty freaking adorable.

Also, this. 25 balloons. The kitties thought this was excellent. We didn't manage to get any kitty-balloon action shots, but trust me. They like the balloons.

(I also like balloons and roses, but my enjoyment was less gustatory and more visual.)

See the little bags in the balloons? There are things in those bags. Birthday present type things. And in the third bag there was a note that said something about "anticipation" and "happening right now." And there was B down on one knee. In about half a second, my brain said, "Oh! That's a ring! The ring you will wear for the rest of your life. Wow. Wait, this is the part where you say, 'yes.'" And then my mouth said, "Yes," and then my hand looked like this.

So, yes. In the end, I'd say that birthday pretty much rocks the socks off of any other birthday.

Always the hypochondriac

2008-06-12T22:51:00.002-04:00

I have a new mythical, totally not accurate, self-diagnosis. I've decided that I'm hypothyroid. Not a lot hypothyroid, just enough to make me be pretty tired (lots of naps), a little heavier than my standard weight set-point, and having various mild GI and gyno issues which I won't go into because some of the people who read this are, you know, normal and don't like that sort of thing (I can't imagine why not). It's probably not my thyroid. It's probably something far more simple, such as, oh, I don't know, the stress of being a med student. Still. I'm trying to convince myself to go convince the student health people to draw thyroid labs. At this point in my career, I've found I can strong-arm them into most things, as they realize that I actually do know some things.

Anyway. That's my way of saying I'm tired and paranoid. Moving on.

Last weekend I went to church for the first time in a few months. B came with me for the first time ever. I didn't want to make a big deal about it, but it really was a big deal to me. It's not like I need him to be Unitarian, but I like that he didn't hate it. He even said he'd come back this week, since this is yet another Sunday morning that neither of us are working. Also, I am a total geek. We already knew this, but apparently I am a church geek as well. So, when I graduated high school, I received a copy of our hymnal, "Singing in the Living Tradition." Well, apparently there is a new additional hymnal, "Singing the Journey," and I HAD to have it. Why? I'm not entirely sure. There's one song that I love very, very much in it, and I just like owning books. I come by it honestly. Anyway, it arrived today, and I spent maybe 30 minutes paging through it and trying to sight read the songs I didn't know. Me = geek.

Also, it's my birthday next week. Apparently. It kind of was sneaky and I forgot all about it. But, because of B's schedule, we're celebrating with friends tomorrow. It will involve a kind of trendy bar and pommes frites and cocktails involving Grey Goose and limoncello because that is how I enjoy birthdays. Although, honestly, I'm just not all that geared up for this birthday. I'm not sure why. I blame my thyroid.

My mom tagged me - I gotta do it

2008-06-05T18:50:00.002-04:00

The Rules - Each player answers the questions about themselves. At the end of the post, the player then tags 5-6 people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know they’ve been tagged and asking them to read your blog. Let the person who tagged you know when you’ve posted your answer.

1. What I was doing 10 years ago:

Um...about to turn 15, so that would mean... Yeah, pathetically, I don't really remember much from exactly one year ago except I was dating one of the lamer of my ex-boyfriends (maybe not the lamest, but definitely in the bottom few). It was summer, so I wasn't doing school things. Later that summer I would dump the lame guy and start dating the best friend of one of my good friends (who had a huge crush on me), thus creating significant drama in my little high school world. One year after that I would go to Transylvania, have a little 16 year old epiphany that I had let myself be defined by my relationship with this guy (who was really quite dreamy and romantic but totally not ambitious enough and far too Catholic for me), freak out about my lack of identity, and break up with him at a Barenaked Ladies concert. A year after that, his rebound girl would break up with him...again at a Barenaked Ladies concert.

2. What 5 things are on on my to-do list for today (not in any particular order):

-finish my Reproductive Health Externship application, now that I finally have confirmation from Pitt that I can go do my Family Planning elective with them

-cook something with the broccoli and mushrooms I bought at Costco last weekend...maybe with shrimp too?

-read a chapter in Clinical Reproductive Medicine and Surgery

-work on knitting Notorious, now that my extra ball of yarn has arrived

-go to bed at a time that will make me mostly undead when I get up at 5:30 tomorrow

3. Snacks I enjoy:

Cucumbers with hummus, cottage cheese, low fat string cheese from Trader Joe's, red wine, blueberries, Tasty Little Cookies by Kashi, St Andre cheese

4. Things I would do if I was a billionaire:

-pay off my student loans (and B's too)

-probably buy too much yarn...and more yarn storage...Alchemy and ArtYarns and Great Adirondack come to mind

-give money to things like the Ryan Residency Training Fellowship, Physicians for Reproductive Choice, Heifer Foundation, Doctors Without Borders

-hire a cleaning service...I know, it's horribly classist and bad and I hate myself, but I hate mopping more.

-travel to places like Prague, Spain, Amsterdam, and Japan

-be able to buy a house wherever we end up matching, even if it's in San Francisco or Boston

5. Places I have lived:

Cleveland, OH (x2); Blacksburg, VA; Harrisonburg, VA; Columbus, OH; Minnetonka, MN; Northfield, MN; Minneapolis, MN; briefly Chicago, IL

I tag:

No one. Unless Tamara wants to do this. But my guess is she's busy preparing for her wedding!

I like my ovaries non-leaky

2008-06-03T17:49:00.002-04:00

If there was ever a rotation to convince me to start trying to get pregnant prior to hitting 30, this is the one. Infertility treatments. Man. They are not fun. Or cheap. I mean, I'm glad we have all sorts of technology, but the scheduling and the planning and the side effects are intense. Even the low-tech treatments seem to leave women in some amount of pain and anxiety. And your risk of twins and triplets goes up, which I am against. I mean, they are super-cute, but that's a lot of baby all at once.

Thankfully, I come from good, fertile stock, so I don't really anticipate problems. But it's easy to scare yourself when all you see every day is women (couples) who want babies they can't have without our help.

Note: I have 5 years before I hit 30 (5 years and 15 days, really). No rush.

Disturbing fact of the day

2008-06-01T21:19:00.003-04:00

Tomorrow I start Reproductive Endocrinology and Infertility elective. I have four weeks of high-tech baby-making! (Also, four weeks of menstrual disorders and endocrinology that isn't diabetes.)

Tonight I'm reading the infertility section in my little red book (not just for communists anymore) for OB/GYN. It tells me that there are many drugs one can use to stimulate ovaries. Some come from more conventional hormone sources (urine, artificial synthesis). But some come from, well, other, somewhat surprising sources.

Specifically, three in this book state they come from "Chinese hamster ovary cells."

What? What do Chinese hamsters have in their ovaries that American or Canadian or German or Indian hamsters lack? I find this very bizarre.

A hefty dose of fiber (about 3kg)

2008-05-27T17:40:00.002-04:00

While I was away (from the internet...not on vacation), I went to my first fiber fest. Yay! I was constantly reminded that I am not a spinner...yet. The "yet" is what all of the people selling roving would say when I said I wasn't a spinner so please stop shoving your soft, soft alpaca fur in my face.

But...there was yarn too. And I didn't spend waaaaay too much, but considering my yarn:available knitting time ratio at present, I really didn't need yarn. At all. I blame Laura (in the hat in the last post). She made me go and then enabled. But I did score some good stuff.

First, some cashmere/merino/nylon sock yarn. It is very soft and very pretty and claims to be machine washable. I asked the lady if she was sure I could throw it in the washing machine, and she swore to me I could. We'll see. As previously discussed, I have a love/hate relationship with socks and sock yarn. I'm really not into sock yarn that makes stripes and checks. However, I understand that some subtle variation might make it pretty. It's a balance. I think this one is subtle enough. Besides, it's not really a fiber fest if you don't buy sock yarn, right?

Then, I came across some cheap (-ish) bamboo in a bright, bright blue. My goal of the day is to buy things outside of my color safety zone (green and teal and blue-green). Bright blue counts. Also, I've been craving bamboo for about 6 months now. Not sure why. It's very soft, and I'm thinking maybe Wallis cardigan will be made from it (go here if you don't have Ravelry access). It's variegated, but Wallis's simplicity should work well with that. But probably not this summer. Unless I blow off the boards and knit all through July. It could happen.

Finally, I really went out of my safety zone and bought a cone of orange-rust, DK, 100% wool. It's a teeny bit scratchy, but I'm thinking it will be a hoodie or cardigan and not next to my skin. I don't currently own anything remotely this color, but Laura and the sales lady claimed it worked well with my hair. Worst case scenario, I donate it. The yarn was cheap.

To further illustrate my excess of yarn acquisition, here we have the yarn that I bought in New Orleans:

And here is yarn my wonderful mother sent me from Switzerland. You can't tell with this photography, but one of those balls is not like the other (blue rather than teal...hey! my colors!). I'm kind of thinking Sahara. But we'll see.

And guess what I wore to the fiber fest? Josephine! I didn't even tell you I was knitting it, did I? Well, I was. And now I'm done. Lots of mods, but I think I like the result. Very within my safety zone. The yarn is Wildflower D.K., so it's washable.

New knitting? Sure, why not. I'm finally participating in a Sexy Knitter's Club KAL and knitting Notorious by Annie Modesitt. I'm not totally sure what to think at this point except that I might be needing more yarn than I ordered. Luckily, there's an easy way to fit in a skein of a different dye lot, so I'm not too worried. It's mostly on 8's, so it's moving along pretty quickly. Also, I'm on geriatrics for a few more days, so I continue to have free time. Today, I spent an hour spoon feeding a patient her lunch. It is thrill a minute, I tells ya.

NOLA adventure

2008-05-11T20:08:00.003-04:00

After four weeks of intense OB/GYN, I needed a vacation. So I went to New Orleans...for an OB/GYN conference. It was a chance to eat great food, get a tiny bit of color (through the SPF 45), and network with residency program directors.

First, the food. We hit up Cafe du Mond, home of the famous beignets and chicory coffee. Luckily, Julia, one of the women with our group knew how to navigate the French Quarter already. We took the streetcar down and then waited in line to fill ourselves with fried dough and cover ourselves with powdered sugar. Sooooo good. Apparently they are open 24 hours a day, which means you can have your beignets for Sunday brunch (as we did) or post-Bourbon street excitement (as some other Case students did). Both good options.

Since we were in New Orleans, we had to try a John Besh restaurant. John Besh was the runner-up in The Next Iron Chef. Our guy from Cleveland Michael Symon came away with the glory, but John Besh was a worthy contender. Luke was our choice for evaluation, since Restaurant August was more expensive and more formal. It was pretty fabulous. I have to say that I enjoy Symon's Lola a bit more, but the caraway, caramelized onion, Ementhaler flamenkuche was definitely playing to win. For me and my family, a good trip involves good food, and NOLA satisfied.

Also, yarn! I believe in obtaining souvenir yarn from trips as opposed to silly, useless souvenir things. Thus, when we found a yarn store on Chartre street. It's actually a needlepoint store called Quarter Stitch, but it sold yarn. Pretty yarn. Yarn by the Great Adirondack Co, specifically of the bamboo/silk variety. The bamboo/silk was $43/skein = too expensive to knit anything out of. So I compromised and bought some worsted weight, mixed, hand-dyed with sequins glitz. It's a combo of browns and purples and might be perfect for Sahara. We'll see. I'll take pictures once we have good lighting in Cleveland again (aka June). Julia bought cotton for a yoga bag, and Laura tried on a hat that she wants to knit. They wrapped our purchases up in decorative bags, Love Actually style. It's kind of silly. I don't need confetti and whatnot to make my yarn pretty. It just is pretty. All by itself.

And that's pretty much it... Oh, right, the conference. It was good. I got some help with my CV and personal statement at a workshop, and I learned about some programs. I've now added University of New Mexico to the list and deleted University of Virginia. Oh! And we went to the exhibition hall and got obscene amounts of free things: pens, a personalized leather folio, USB drives, an insulated mug (for endometriosis! love it!), bumper stickers, a manicure kit, and multiple pregnancy books (What to Expect When You're Expecting, The Joy of Pregnancy, and a kind of dumb Fertility Journal). And I have obtained new tote bags: two for ACOG, one for University Hospitals in Cleveland, and one that says "Don't let politics trump medicine." I'm a sell-out, but I have lots of fun new toys.

And now that's really about it. I'm on geriatrics now, so, you know, I'm bored. But my schedule is not very demanding. It's all a balance. Now I will take that extra free time and cook some asparagus and local tomatoes and remember that it's spring somewhere, even if it's gross in Cleveland right now.

Creation and Destruction

2008-04-29T22:34:00.002-04:00

This is Black Pearl. We got him when we got my first kitten (Tigger). I contend I was maybe 8 years old? Not sure. Jenny was not supposed to get a kitten, but the friend of the family who was bringing me my kitty tucked this little black kitten in as well. When Jenny saw him, her eyes lit up and Mom didn't have the heart to take him away from her. And so both brothers joined our family.

We already had a middle aged lady cat (Slim) who my parents got shortly before I was born. I'm not sure why my parents thought that they should get a kitten and a baby at the same time, but I'm gonna blame Mom's hormonal status. (Feel free to deny it in the comments, Mom!) Anyway, Slim was not amused by these two new additions and proceeded to beat the heck out of them whenever they tried to play with her. They thought this was mostly fun. After a while, she learned to tolerate them and use them for their body heat.

Slim passed when I was 16 and off visiting colleges. She had been slowly succumbing to renal failure for years. Tigger passed very suddenly when I was in college. At the time, I didn't really know what happened, but now I wonder if he had pneumonia and a thoracentesis resulting in pneumothorax. So Pearl became last cat standing. He and Judit (the dog) developed a lovely camaraderie, especially when they were both playing in the yard.

I took these pictures last June, when I was at my parents' house for my sister's graduation. At this point, he was old (16? 17?), but reasonably happy and healthy. Over the past 6 months or so, he has not been so happy or healthy. I'll spare you the details, but things were not working like they should have been. And yesterday, he passed.

It isn't tragedy, but it is very, very sad. He had a good life with lots of laps and treats and pets. And now he is with the rest of his kitty family. I've been giving my kitties here in Cleveland extra pats and forgiving their presents that they leave us in hairball season.

And here's my Eunny Jang Deep V Argyle Vest. It's my offering of creation to give this some sense of balance. I love Knit Picks Merino Style. Cheap and slow to pill. I look coy in the picture because there is wind in my face and, well, because I'm kind of coy.

Silence is golden...or at least an attempt at honors

2008-04-14T18:14:00.002-04:00

Today my very nice gyn resident asked (in response to OHSU being on my list of possible places for residency) if I knew that "OHSU is the only program that requires abortion; that's why I didn't apply."

I said, "Mmmm," and pretended my mouth was full (we were eating lunch between OR cases).

I did not say, "No, it's not. There are a lot of other OB/GYN programs that require abortion training. In fact, to be accredited, a program must offer training."

I did not say, "Yes! I did know! In fact, two weekends ago I met the guy who made it a requirement. He was giving a talk at the Medical Students For Choice conference I attended."

I just said, "Mmmm," which was probably the right call. I'm not proud of keeping silent, exactly, but I'm pretty sure that wasn't a conversation that was going to do anyone any good. I'll have to have that conversation later, on the interview trail, with other people. I'm probably doing an away elective in Family Planning at Pitt, and that is kind of a dead giveaway to where I stand on choice.

Anyway, besides the awkward politics that is ingrained in the field, I am loving my OB/GYN AI (Acting Internship). Since I did my rotation at Metro, the local community hospital, I'm doing my AI at the Cleveland Clinic. I wanted to see what the fancy, academic, semi-private life was like before I chose a residency. I have done a ton! Thursday on labor and delivery call, I first-assisted a Cesarean (I cut and sewed muscle, fascia, uterus, skin), I did a vacuum delivery (with much supervision), and assisted a very complicated third repeat Cesarean (lots of scar tissue). Today I got to take a skin incision down to peritoneum for an abdominal hysterectomy. Since they (attendings and residents) know that this is actually what I'm going to do, they're letting me do more and teaching me more advanced technique. And for an AI, the schedule isn't bad. Sure, it's surgical, but this week I'm out at a private hospital where our service is tiny, so rounding doesn't take long. Tomorrow, our first case starts at 9 a.m., so I'll probably hit the hospital around 7:45. Not bad at all. Yes, last week I was getting in at 5:45 and sometimes staying late, but it's all relative.

Also, I heart the Clinic. Big heart. It makes me a bad person (they are evil! they only love money!) but I cannot help myself. It's all shiny and fancy and clean. The food at main campus is amazing (Mexican, Au Bon Pain, Subway, Starbucks....it is a veritable airport food court), and the food at the private suburban hospital is free for medical students. Free! The main campus is a huge conglomerate of buildings connected by skyways, which feels like home to me. Also, the scrubs at the private hospital are teal, people. Is there any color in the world that complements my coloring better? I think not. These are scrubs I am not planning on returning to the laundry.

Anyway, I am rather busy since I'm trying to do this AI thing to the best of my ability, but I am overwhelmingly happy. Much happier than I was on neuro or psych or radiology, even though I was working about 60% of the hours I am now. That says something.

Gyn on the brain

2008-04-02T21:26:00.002-04:00

Right now I'm working on the last of my four powerpoint presentations for radiology. It's on Mullerian anomalies (when the uterus and cervix and vagina don't form normally...you're all excited to hear more, I can tell), so I've been playing with a lot of gynecology texts. If you're me, this inevitably leads to reading about other gyn things, like use of the Maylard incision or the exact steps used to do a laparoscopic total hysterectomy. So, I've been reading a lot of gyn. But now I'm actually trying to finish this presentation so I can watch last night's Beauty & the Geek before bed. (Who will Tara pick? No, no, don't tell me.)

I just tried to write the sentence, "History of infertility, recurrent abortion, dysmenorrhea, or amenorrhea can be suggestive."

Instead, I wrote, "Hystery of infertility...etc." And it took me a moment to figure out what looked wrong about that.

And I'm almost embarrassed enough by how geeky this post is to not post it. Not quite.

And he still has his boyish good looks

2008-03-31T22:02:00.004-04:00

B's birthday is tomorrow. Yes, that's right. April Fool's Day. Despite all of the shenanigans that could have come from an April Fool's Day party, we opted to celebrate on Saturday instead of Tuesday. We had more people over than we've ever had in our house at once. And we put them straight to work.

Making pasta! We had two pasta rollers at our disposal (mine and a friend's), so our rolling was reasonably efficient. Lots of people brought filling (artichoke, asparagus, ricotta, sun dried tomato, pepper, mushroom, gorgonzola, pear, you name it), and our friends proved very accomplished at stuffing ravioli. In the end, we had four types of ravioli, plain fettucine, and green fettucine. Turns out pasta dough, much like play-doh, can be dyed with food coloring. Fun! (The really fun part was when guests asked if it was spinach. I would just say, "...no..." and watch the look of horror slowly evolve on their faces. Hilarious.)

It was quite the undertaking, but it was worth it. You know what else was worth it? This cake. The first two birthdays that Brandon had while we've been dating went without cake baked by me. The first time we were in Chicago for a conference (I bought cupcakes at the Corner Bakery). The second time I was on my internal medicine rotation which was more intense than it needed to be (torte from Whole Foods). This time, I wanted to do it right. He told me he wanted chocolate and raspberry, so this is what he got: almost flourless chocolate torte topped with chocolate mousse topped with unsweetened whipped cream topped with overpriced raspberries. All told, that cake contained 3/4 lb butter, 9 eggs, 16 oz chocolate and 1 c cream. And a little sugar, flour, vanilla, and salt. If it weren't consumed by 14 people, I'd be concerned for the state of our arteries.

Perspective

2008-03-28T23:02:00.002-04:00

While shopping at Trader Joe's tonight, Brandon and I disagreed over a few things. Stupid things, like whether to get the tiny perlini mozzarellas even though they didn't have an expiration date or whether to buy a nicer bottles of wine (nicer = not Charles Shaw...we're talking $8 bottles...oooo) for the little get together we're having tomorrow night. We weren't fighting really, but it was 8:50 and all I'd had for dinner so far was some cottage cheese, so I was hangry (hunger resulting in crankiness/anger). So on the drive home, I was sulking a little.

And then I looked out the window and saw a helicopter racing towards MetroHealth, probably carrying someone who had real problems, problems that made my cheese and wine crankiness seem as petty and obnoxious as they truly were. This is one of the things I like about medicine. It's hard to stay cranky/sulky about the little things when every day something real happens.

And that's why, despite the cush lifestyle (big money, short work week), I could never go into radiology. That's what I've been doing for the last three weeks. Whenever I tell the radiologists that I'm going into OB/GYN, they make a face and tell me what an awful life I will have. They are wrong. I will have an excellent life, even if I do not have excellent sleep. Nobody thanks their radiologist when they have a good outcome.* Nobody sends pictures of their babies to their radiologist.

Anyway...this is not to say that I will never be cranky or petty again. I'm just looking forward to being back on a rotations where I have more of a direct effect on patients. Sure, I'll miss the regular hours, but at this point in my career catching a baby or scrubbing in the OR beats an extra hour of sleep any day. And, yes, I know that two years from now I will be redacting that statement.

*Yes, I know, there are interventional radiologists. They treat people, and sometimes those people give those radiologists credit. But most radiologists really don't treat at all. This is not a slam on radiologists; this is just not how I want to be a doctor.

Catching up

2008-03-09T00:40:00.005-05:00

Watch out, this is gonna be photo-heavy. Deal.

Hey, guess what! Last weekend I was the maid-of-honor in my cousin's wedding. It was a beautiful wedding, and she was a beautiful bride. Unfortunately, my camera's batteries died while we were at the salon pre-wedding, so you will just have to imagine how beautiful it was. But, you can see pre-wedding festivities! Almost as good!

Here are Marie and I at KramerBooks the night before the wedding. B used to write med school essays there, and he said the food was good. He was right. We ate dinner with our moms. They're identical twins, and many of their physical and personality traits have been passed onto us. It was a really fabulous night. I know it makes me a total lame-o, but I had way more fun with my mom, aunt, and cousin than I have in a long time.

Here is Marie the morning before the wedding. We grabbed lunch at Cosi. She was being a good bride and drinking water so her skin would be all dewy and whatnot. I drank Diet Coke. Because I like it. Although, I think that's appropriate; aren't bridesmaids supposed to a balance of sweet and bitter? Like Diet Coke? Anyway, I would just like to point out that even just out of bed with bottle of water in hand, Marie takes a fabulous picture.

So, to further support Marie's fabulousness, guess what we did the afternoon of the wedding. We played Wii. Wii bowling, to be specific. It probably goes without saying, but my Wii bowling score is far superior to my real-life bowling score. Marie thinks I'm a total dork for taking this picture.

Then we went and got our hair done. Mine was just super curly, because that's fun. Marie's was sort of old school glamor, swept back in carefully pinned curls. And when I say "carefully pinned," I mean what I say. In this picture, the thought going through Marie's head is something along the lines of, "Okay, that's the 45th time you've repinned that curl, lady. I'm about to be late to my own wedding. It's time to let it go." But everything worked out in the end.

And, hey, look! Knitting content! It's so sneaky! Jan, Marie's mom (my aunt, if you're keeping track) knit Marie a gorgeous shawl. It's cashmere and silk and goes with her wedding colors. Beautiful. Marie was nice enough to try it on with the white of her shirt showing through, so y'all can see the stitch pattern too.

Okay, that's all for now. Now that I have new camera batteries, I'll try to get a shot of my wedding shawl (way easier and less impressive - don't get excited) and my Eunny Jang vest (which I finally finished last weekend). Oh, yeah, and I started a nightgown. So, yes, pictures are in order.

(cough)

2008-03-04T23:49:00.001-05:00

Yes, we will.

Vrooooom!

2008-02-19T21:59:00.003-05:00

Oh, my little car, plodding along through these nasty winters...

On Sunday, little Fekete started being very, very loud. Kind of like it did, oh, about 2.7 years ago right before I drove it out to Ohio. Much like then, the exhaust system seemed to be upset with me. And by "upset," I mean "rusted out." So as to not poison myself with CO, I took it into my mechanic (The Lusty Wrench - best name ever!) today. I got the call of potential doom today after lunch:

SAM: Blahblahblah...so it will be around $580 if we're fixing.

ME: If we're fixing? You sound like it might be time to say good bye.

See, you need to understand that I drive a 1992 Honda Civic. That makes it 16 years old, with about 165,000 miles. But I don't exactly have cash flow and the ability to find a new[er] used car until residency, which is 1.5 years away. At this point in the conversation I was starting to be a little tachycardic.

SAM: What? No! I mean, if you want to sell at this point, great! I'll buy it from you. Your car is in amazing condition...I mean, apart from some surface scratches this is the best looking car its age I've seen in a long time.

He echoed that sentiment again when I picked it up this evening. And then, the assistant mechanic told me that he was shocked and amazed at how good my car looked "underneath." They promised me that it would last 1.5 years.

Which was almost worth $580.

Something about mature coping mechanisms

2008-02-14T18:26:00.003-05:00

It is possible that my high point of today came when I got to say, "Your mother," to a psychiatry attending.

It was in response to a question ("What did we think caused psychiatric disease in the time of DSM-II?"), and it was the right answer (you know, Freud and whatnot), but it was still kind of pleasing, in an immature giggling sort of way.

Also, my main psych attending pegged the other student on my team as a surgeon pretty quickly. Today I asked him if he knew what I was going into. OB was his second guess. His first choice was Pediatrics. I told him that was nice of him.

(For those of you who don't know, pediatricians are known for being very nice. OB/GYNs...not so much.)

Before I go to the locked psych ward...

2008-02-10T17:03:00.000-05:00

Here's a little note about the knitting I've been doing. Because I have been knitting, I just haven't been documenting it very well.

I finished Dad's scarf, but that darn navy blue just refused to photograph with this Cleveland winter light. Sorry. Imagine a cabled scarf, and that's pretty much the idea. The yarn is Aussi Wool, navy blue.

But look, Fetching! I modified this pattern to make it fit Brandon. Basically, I just increased the number of stitches cast-on, did an extra repeat on the cuff, and knit a little longer for the hand. I'm modeling them here because up until two days ago he was on surgery and never home. (Whooo! Surgery is over!) The yarn is also Aussi Wool, because apparently that's all I knit anymore. The man at the cute yarn shop near me sells it, and I like it. So there. Brandon likes his mitts, especially since it is very cold in Cleveland and we are cheap when it comes to heating the house.

And, lastly for now, a little baby sweater. It's the One-Piece Baby Kimono from Mason-Dixon Knitting. The neighbor upstairs had a baby, and I figured I had yarn laying around that could easily become a sweater. It's CotLin, so it will wash and wear well. The neighbors aren't people I'd normally knit for, but I had leftover yarn that I wasn't really going to use for anything else, and baby knits go satisfyingly quickly. And none of my peers are having babies any time soon, so there ya go.

The shawl for Marie's wedding has one and a half pinwheels left to go (then blocking and sewing and whatnot). I've got two and a half weeks, so I think I'll make it. Speaking of Marie's wedding, wow is it coming up soon. I finally got my act in gear and bought shoes (silver! cute!) and reserved a hotel room near Dupont Circle for the night before festivities. I've started drafting a little speech in my head. Marie is making a hair appointment for me, so I don't have to worry about that. Now I just have to plan how I'm going to entertain and honor Marie in the 20 or so hours I have with her before the wedding. At least I'm starting psychiatry on Monday, which is supposed to have cush hours, even if it does freak me out.

Long time gone

2008-02-03T14:48:00.000-05:00

I'm still here.

OB/GYN sort of surrounded me in business. And then we started scheduling 4th year (which kind of starts in March - so soon!), and I started freaking out about that. There's been some knitting (Dad's scarf, Brandon's fingerless mitts, work on a shawl to wear to Marie's wedding, an almost done easy baby sweater for the baby upstairs...), but I'm at a coffee shop without my camera, so there will be no pictures for now.

I do kind of have the start of a schedule for the first chunk of 4th year. In March, I'll be doing radiology at the bigshot hospital here. This is in preparation for the acting internship in OB/GYN I'll be doing at the same hospital in either April or June. I figured I should get oriented to the place before I'm really performing. Also in either April or June, I'm hoping to do a Reproductive Endocrinology & Infertility (REI) elective at the academic center right by our medical school. Because, frankly, if I decided I wanted to do REI, everyone would be a lot happier (big $$, cushy lifestyle). In May, I do Geriatrics at the community hospital I've been working at recently. It'll be easy, but the real reason I'm doing it is because I'm missing the first few days of that block for a conference in New Orleans. The conference is the clinical meeting for the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists. Networknetworknetwork. So, yeah, geriatrics. I'm not about to miss days of something that actually matters to me.

By the way, whoo New Orleans! I realize that in May Cleveland will actually be thinking about getting warm, but New Orleans will be way ahead on that front. Also, I'm traveling with two women I really like and respect. And we're all foodies, so we're going to hit up a John Besh restaurant. Because, really, how could you go to New Orleans and not?

But the real reason I wanted to write is because we're two days out from Super Tuesday (also Fat Tuesday, incidentally...SuperFat Tuesday?). I've tried to convince myself that I'll be pleased enough if Obama wins.

But.

It's not true. I know that policy wise, I'd be happy with him. It's not that I think there's anything wrong with him. But there is something inside me that wants to know that a woman like Hillary can win it all. I want the woman who works hard and is stubborn and is far smarter than most of the men around her and gets in trouble for sticking her neck out and understands how to work the system to make it. Because if she can't, I can't help but take it personally. A lot of things that people don't like about her are things that people don't like about me. And a lot of her strengths are my strengths. And guess what? I know that she's politically manipulative. Do you really think that she'd be where she is if she weren't? I'd rather have someone who works the system and then uses it to good than someone who naively tried to get by on her charisma and plucky spirit. And do you think that she's alone in her campaign strategies and manipulations? Or could the public react differently to her political scheming because she's a woman, and women are notorious for being tricky, manipulative, seductive, calculating...the list goes on.

Is she perfect? No.

But neither am I.

So, on February 5th, I want to see her rise up. And if she doesn't, I'm gonna hurt. And that's just how it is, right or wrong.

"Thundercats are go!"

2008-01-02T21:39:00.000-05:00

For anyone still wondering, Juno totally lives up to the hype. Man. Best movie I've seen in a loooong time. It doesn't hurt that it's about my favorite subject (pregnancy), but I'm pretty sure that most of the movie reviewers who also love it are not future OB/GYNs, so don't let my bias fool you. It's extremely funny but also human enough to have me in tears at the end. Not that it takes much to bring me to tears, but still. And did I say it's funny? The dialog is brilliant. Brilliant and rich with quotes that are far superior to, say, those from Napoleon Dynamite.

My favorite quote is probably from Brenda, Juno's step-mom (played by Allison Janney) who says,"Juno, honey, it's because doctors are sadists and like to watch lesser people scream," when Juno asks why she can't get her epidural NOW. Priceless.

Anyway, for those who are curious, B and I had a pretty low-key New Year's Eve. He'd flown in that morning on a red-eye, so he wasn't exactly up for a night on the town. I made paella, he made this butternut squash/cranberry/candied pepita salad thing (pictures are of New Year's food), and we drank sparkling wine and watched the ball drop. BTW, who at Times Square decided that Lenny Kravitz was back? Because I'm pretty sure he's not. Whatever.

We're now spending the next few days sleeping in and trying to learn things we didn't have time to learn when not on vacation. I still really want to see Sweeney Todd, even though it will give me nightmares, and he wants to see There Will Be Blood, so there will probably be another movie in the near future. And once the roads get better plowed, I'll probably hit the mall. Whoo...exciting. No. Really. Any day that doesn't begin before 6 a.m. is a good one.

Back, but still on vacation

2007-12-31T15:40:00.000-05:00

Because this is technically a knitting blog, I will do the knitting update first. Look! New project! Colorwork! These are Eunny Jang's Anemoi mittens. They are presumptively for me. For a moment, I thought about giving them to my cousin because they happen to be her wedding colors, but I think her hands are larger than mine. And I want them. I love the corrugated ribbing on the cuff. Love it.

Look! Old project! Done! Remember the Embossed Leaves socks that I started because I was going stir crazy with all the stockinette on the robe? Yeah, I finally finished them months later. That's how it goes with me and socks. Of course, my aunt suggested that she would be most appreciative if I managed to knock out another pair in a slightly larger size, so we'll see if I can find the fortitude for more socks (and the same pattern twice...) somewhere within me.

For a more full description of my Christmas festivities, see Twinset. This is a blog maintained by both my mother and my aunt (identical twins, get it?) and it's quite good. They also are better at posting than I am. I am lazy, so my Christmas rundown will be brief and picture based. For those of you with slow internet connections who don't like pictures, go away. This is my blog and I like pictures. So there.

My parents flew into Cleveland, rented a car, and drove me and the cats to my grandparents' house in Huntington, WV. Ganymede rocked the whole new house, lots of people thing. He likes attention. And power. Also being on top of tall things.

Biscuit did not love the new house, lots of people concept. She pretty much stayed in the basement, so she did not partake in Christmas morning.

But Grandpa did. Look! It's a dog! I think Grandpa got a balloon and instructions in his stocking.

Jon got duct tape in many colors. This is a very appropriate 13 year old boy present. I gave him Settlers of Catan, which also went over well but was not photographed.

Mom got roving from my aunt. Mmmmmmm... I forget exactly what fibers were involved, but I know silk was one of them. The roving was very, very soft. My aunt spins, so she is taking the roving home with her and then mailing it to Mom in yarn form later.
Overall, it was a pretty knitterly Christmas. Mom got the roving and some yak yarn (from me). I'm still working on a scarf for Dad. And remember the wimple I talked about a while back? Mom knit it for me, beads and all. So soft and pretty. See her blog for a picture, because I am lazy and also getting hungry.

The best presents are furry. Also, more proof that somebody likes to be the center of attention.

Happy New Year!

Not so much as planned

2007-12-22T12:52:00.000-05:00

Instead of catching babies last night, I decided to have food poisoning instead.

I went in for a few hours. I was grumpy to begin with, because I found that one of the residents who kind of made my week miserable was also on call. I've worked 5 shifts with her, and I don't think she's ever made eye contact with me or the other med student on. Unless she's ridiculously high functioning autistic, that is not cool.

Anyway, after missing a chance to deliver a baby because it was coming out OP (occiput posterior - face up, the position that often causes "back labor") and needed to be vacuum assisted, I started feeling not so great. I had a small amount of "sentinel emesis" (the warning before it gets really bad) an got sent home. I thought I was in the clear. But no. I don't know that I got much sleep between the hours of 9 p.m. and 5 a.m. I've never had food poisoning before. This was a new level of aggressiveness of GI irritation for me. And the pain was pretty intense too.

B kept trying to do something to help, but I couldn't keep down any of the liquids he wanted to provide. At one point, he asked if there was anything at all he could do. I said, "No, not unless you have a secret stash of Zofran I don't know about." Forget stealing Fentanyl, Zofran is the med that I'd be in danger of stealing if I were an anesthesiologist. We entertained going to the ER, but decided that I like the comfort of my own bathroom. Also, we're med students, and we don't like going to the doctor.

In conclusion, no solstice baby catching, more sleep than I originally planned on, and I'm left with weakness, dehydration and a day to watch TV and knit while I recover.

Tomorrow I go to West Virginia. Happy Holidays, everyone!

Not dead yet

2007-12-19T18:51:00.000-05:00

Sorry I've been slacking. As you know, I'm on OB/GYN. I love it, but part of being a med student is coming in before the residents. Guess what time I have to get up tomorrow?

3:00 a.m.

It's kind of a good thing, because it means that I have a lot of post-partum patients to round on. Which means I did a lot of deliveries and had some good OR time in the last few days. But I'm still not thrilled with the prospect of going to bed earlier than I have since I was about 9 in order to get 6 hours of sleep.

Also, I'm on overnight call Friday. On the way home, I realized that I'm on call on Solstice. Somehow it seems appropriate that it will be the longest night of the year.

Oh, OB/GYN, you had me at hello

2007-12-06T20:20:00.000-05:00

Today I did two endometrial biopsies. This means I am awesome.

No, what this really means is I was lucky enough to get paired with a really great chief resident in clinic today, who caught on that I like to do procedures and let me do the biopsies. For those who are curious (the queasy should skip to the next paragraph), doing an endometrial biopsy (or "EMB") entails inserting a speculum, grabbing the anterior section of the cervix with a tenaculum (pointy edged cervix grabber thing), inserting a small but long catheter through the cervical os into the uterus, creating suction by pulling out the stylus in the catheter, and moving the catheter around to suck up some endometrial tissue. You do it two or three times and get enough tissue to analyze.

Basically, it reminded me why I love this field. I mean, I'd been enjoying clinic, but I hadn't been able to do that much. Clinic is very busy, so the residents usually want to do a lot themselves. I'd done a few paps, measured a lot of funduses and listened to a lot of fetal heart rates, but I wasn't given that much responsibility. But biopsy! Whoo! This is why I wake up in the morning.

No. Really.

As far as knitting goes, I did finish the robe. But, the robe is short and it's cold. I don't wanna take pictures. I promise I will at some point. In lieu of robe pictures, I have pictures stolen from Knitty!

I don't actually like knitting lace all that well. Or knitting with mohair. But I covet this wimple. Covet. When would I wear it? I don't know. When I'm posing for modelesque pictures with snowflakes on my eyelashes. Yes.

Also, I rarely wear shawls. But I need this one. Cableydropstitchgoodness.

Why I will never be a pediatrician

2007-12-02T15:13:00.000-05:00

I finished peds on Friday. My last patient, a 3 year old boy, gave me one of his drawings on my last day. "Put it on your wall?" he said. "On your wall?" I told him I would. "You has a house?" he asked. I told him I had half a house (a duplex), which was a little confusing for him. He then wanted to know more about my house. Who lives there, are there kids, are there pets? Then, he wanted to know about the student nurse's house, also in detail.

See, he's obsessed with houses, with homes, because he knows on some level that he no longer has one.

He was admitted for child abuse. A relative had been suspicious for a while, but when she saw the burn he recently sustained, she grabbed him and his brother and went to the ER to start a case. His injuries are such that he will recover, physically. However, they are also the sort of injuries that could only have been inflicted by someone else. We're pretty sure we know who, but I obviously can't go into detail here. Right now, the concerned relative has custody, but who knows what that means in the long run?

The night he was admitted, I was on call. He screamed and cried and shook, but let us examine him. We didn't want to, really, but we had to document his injuries. But he was so afraid. By the next morning, he seemed to realize that he was safe. People here might insist on taking his blood pressure and temperature every 8 hours, but he got used to that pretty quickly. When I came in to round on him in the morning, he started automatically rousing himself from sleep and sitting up so I could listen to his heart and lungs. He knew the drill.

On my last day, he sat on my lap and played with his cars and trucks for a while. There was a construction site outside his window, so we matched toy backhoe to real backhoe, toy bulldozer to real bulldozer.

When I told him I finally had to go, he looked at me and said, "I come too?"

Something about modified expectations

2007-11-20T16:09:00.000-05:00

There is no sleep so sweet as post-call sleep. You drag yourself through rounds all morning, waiting for the senior resident or attending to look your way and say, "You're post-call? You can go home now." And then you go home, shower for much longer than you should because you feel so dirty with hospital, and crawl into bed.

And the sleep is so warm, so uninterrupted. Sure, I usually get to sleep a few hours in the on-call room, but this is so much better. No pagers waiting to go off. No sounds of the hospital's tubing system coming through the walls, sounding like a surprised inhalation. Just sweet, perfect sleep.

It almost makes being on call worth it.

Oh, right...knitting

2007-11-18T23:02:00.000-05:00

In case everyone thinks I've changed my needle preference from size US 6 circs to 20 gauge angiocaths, have faith that I am still working on the robe. It's all knit, and I sewed the shoulder seams and one sleeve on tonight. Since we do get Thursday (and maybe Friday...fingers crossed) off this week, I'm hoping to finish this sucker up by the end of next weekend. You know, just in time to put it in a drawer and wait until May to wear it.

Time for the morbid hospital post

2007-11-16T19:55:00.000-05:00

Last week was my Pediatric Intensive Care Unit (PICU) week. For the most part, I really enjoyed it. I got some interesting patients, and I really like the feel of an ICU. Nursing is better, and there's more information at your fingertips to play with. Vitals are charted meticulously, labs are drawn frequently, and rounds happen twice a day. It's an OCD dream.

However.

It also makes you think about children and death and maybe living but not really living. One patient was an infant born at 24 weeks. She essentially had no brain, just a bit of brainstem, thalamus, and cerebellum. But no actual, thinking brain. And she was in foster care, because whoever her parents were didn't have the abilities to take care of her. She also had problems with just about every other organ system, but the brain thing was what really bothered me. She couldn't interact, and she was the age where she should at least be smiling and making eye contact and cuddling. But she didn't. She showed distress when we tried to draw blood (she was very obese, so that made it extra difficult), but even that was not really emotion, just being agitated. Taking care of her was frustrating for everyone. At one point, one of the doctors on the team said, "The NICU [Neonatal ICU] made her; they should take her back."

It sounds callous, but it pointed to something I've been thinking about. Sometimes, maybe, the NICU doesn't really do good by saving these early, early preemies. Sometimes, you're just prolonging suffering. Sometimes you're creating a being that has no consciousness, essentially a baby Terry Schiavo. But sometimes, the baby you're trying to save grows up to be a person who has thoughts and interactions, and thank goodness you fought for that life. And you don't know, at 24 weeks, which sort of situation you're dealing with.

So what do you do? I have to admit that I'm glad I won't have to make that decision. I can help with genetic counseling in the prenatal period, but I won't have to deal with the aftermath of whatever my patients decide. And I can work to deliver those 22, 23, 24 weekers as safely as possible. But then I get to pass them off to the NICU folks and focus on making sure the mom is okay. For me, it's just an ethical argument to contemplate when I'm post-call. But for many, it's a real, practical decision.

Wooo Cleveland! Represent!

2007-11-11T23:01:00.000-05:00

Michael Symon is the Next Iron Chef!

I wasn't sure he'd make it. His competition (John Besh) was very respectable. I would have been okay if he had won. But he didn't. Because Chef Symon did. Because he is awesome.

Michael Symon is a Cleveland chef who owns both Lola, one of the best restaurants in Cleveland, and Lolita, it's more casual, cheaper little sister. Lola is where B and I spent both our first and second anniversary dinners. Both meals were remarkable. I could talk about the perfection of the vanilla infused salad dressing or the perfectly crisped arctic char skin or the amazing pineapple panna cotta concoction for quite a while, but I won't. (We also visited Lola the night after taking Step I of the United States Medical Licensing Exam, aka "The Boards," but I honestly don't remember that much about that meal. I was too stunned and sleep deprived to appreciate it. After we take Step II, we'll be ordering pizza and watching a low-brow movie. Anyway.)

Cleveland doesn't get much glory. We tend to choke in the final round(s) (I'm looking at you, Cavs and Indians...), so I was kind of surprised to see Cleveland come through this time. Congratulations, Chef Symon. Rock on.