Thursday, October 18, 2007

So much self-pity

This is going to be a depressing, basic science entry. Y'all can stop reading right now.

My research block (which ends in two weeks), has been focused on evaluating medroxyprogesterone acetate's effects on glucocorticoid receptors (GR) in bone cells. To do this, I've been running a lot of different tests with an antibody to GR. Things were kind of starting to work. I was excited. I had some pretty pictures that could possibly add up to "data." And then we realized that this GR antibody might be (euphemism) "nonspecific." Which in science talk means "crap." Which means that ALL of my results could very well be garbage. I kind of think that's the case. There are still a few last-ditch things I'm going to try in the next two weeks, but it's a stretch.

I've been working so hard. So hard. So many long days of lab protocols only to watch them fail. Or think they worked only to discover now that the data might not count. Lots of my colleagues have been doing chart reviews or working on analyzing preexisting data sets and, well, not working so hard. But they will have data and probably publish. I will not. This makes me feel bitter and sad and defeatist. And while I know that I'm still a really strong OB/GYN applicant, part of me is already waving goodbye to a shot at, you know, Hopkins or Brigham or Northwestern.

Maybe a miracle will happen. But I doubt it.

At least I'm off to D.C. this weekend, where I will do my best to forget that there ever was such a thing as a glucocorticoid receptor. I will meet my cousin's fiance and watch my cousin dance and eat good food and play with new kitties. And knit on the plane.


Jan said...

Be of good cheer! Your cousin is eagerly awaiting your visit and your aunt thinks it is far more honorable to have tried to add to the body of science through original work and to have met setbacks than to have just analyzed someone else's data set. You are the woman!

Sourire11 said...

I'm so sorry things aren't working out for you! That sucks. Have fun this weekend, though!

e/m said...

Maybe you will be able to write a "methods" paper. Or at least a "wrong methods" paper. I hope you are having a great weekend.